Humans of San Quentin logo

LaShawn, 44

0 comments

Meet LaShawn…

“After finding my mom, I lost myself. There isn’t a script to finding anyone, let alone your mother, murdered. So I lost myself. I was getting into a certain lifestyle that I wasn’t proud of, and had I not come to prison? Who knows, I’m maybe dead or strung out on drugs or living a creepish type of lifestyle. So I needed to come here to find myself to get back to the real me. I guess you could say I accept the fact that I’m here because it’s out of my control, but I can just continue to do everything possible to gain my freedom back.”

Lovette, 48

Meet Lovette…

Lovette: My name is Lovette, I’m 49 years young, I’ve been at Bedford since 2013, and I’m glad to be here!

Diane: It’s nice to finally be in person. Tell me who you are.

Lovette: Thankfully, I’m a living, breathing, thriving human being. An empowered woman. A woman, a mother, peer… I’m just thankful.

Diane: And what brings you joy in here?

Lovette: Helping people. Helping people make it through this difficult thing called incarceration. Bringing a little joy into their atmosphere. Sharing my experience, sharing what helped me make it through the difficult days. Just being there as much as I’m able to, even in spite of my own circumstances.

Diane: What do you do to bring joy here?

Lovette: Most of all I love to be present. I like to crack jokes. If I see somebody down, I like to come and try to cheer them up. I like to talk to people to hear their stories. I like to listen. Sometimes people just need somebody to listen to them. It gets very lonely being incarcerated, just to know that you have someone that can be there for you in these trying times.

Diane:Would you be able to describe to us the person that came to prison before and Lovette now?

Lovette: Well, Lovette- when she first touched state grounds was very frightened. She was very abandoned, she was very lonely, she was very mentally incapacitated almost. She was not doing well at all. She was suffering from a lot of stress. She was facing estrangement, you know, I was estranged from my family due to my crime and I was not in a good space at that time. 

Diane: And who are you today?

Lovette: Today I’m a transformed individual. I was able to utilize different means in order to get myself back on track- in order to get in touch with who I am and my emotions,to pull myself out of that dark place that I once was in. I’m very thankful for that, and I’m very thankful for my experiences that help strengthen me, that help fortify me, that help give me purpose, meaning…just a means for me to not only help myself but to help my fellow peers.

Diane: Would you say there was a moment of transformation?

Lovette: Yes, it was like I had an epiphany. It was like the lightbulb came on. It was just a shift in my whole life. It was a turning point. It set me on the right track.

Diane: Will you share it with us?

Lovette: Yes! I basically was sitting alone with a pamphlet that one of the chaplains gave me, and I started doing an inventory. I started saying to myself, “You know what…” I started writing down on paper all the things that I was grateful for. All the things that I had. All the blessings that I had. Then I was like, “Oh my gosh, here I am, dwelling on who doesn’t come to see me. Who doesn’t this- who doesn’t that. But lo’ and behold, I had this huge list of all of the blessings and the good things. So let me start dwelling really on the good things!” and like I said, it was like an epiphany. Poof! It was wonderful!

Diane: Will you share some of those blessings with us?

Lovette: Oh my gosh, number one: I’m grateful to be alive. I’ve had hard times where I’ve felt like I wanted to not live anymore, but I said, “If I take my life, that’s like a domino effect. It affects others, too. Let me fight through and just hope that good things will be on the other side. I’m fighting to live, fighting to make it through.” I’m very thankful for all the blessings, especially in this environment. I’ve got a roof over my head. I’ve got somewhere to lay down. I have food. I’m thankful for the tablet program. I’m so thankful because it could always be worse.

Diane: Is there something that you would like to share?

Lovette: I would like to share that I’m very thankful for San Quentin. I’m thankful for the work that’s being done there. I just feel like this may be the starting point of something really fantastic. I believe prison reform is really coming along. I feel that me, being on the inside, I have a lot of insight, and I contribute to that in many ways. I feel we all have parts to play in truly wanting to be able to rehabilitate individuals. This is not the end of the story- it is only the beginning. I really feel good about that.

Diane: Thank you for recognizing that and being willing to share. Without you in here sharing your voice, people wouldn’t be able to learn. So, from the bottom of my heart- and we have a staff of 10 men inside San Quentin so I’d love to have a staff  or a team in here who is sharing voices and doing everything that they do in there- and in other prisons too, obviously.

Diane: Looking ahead, how would you like to use the gifts that you have? How do you think you could use those?

Lovette: I would like to be able to share my gifts and talents with the most individuals possible. I would like it to have a butterfly effect. I think that goodness, positivity, resilience, caring, spreading around kindness no matter what the situation is- that will always be a wonderful thing.

Diane: Do you want to talk a little bit about your writing process?

Lovette: Usually I get inspired by a lot of different things. It could be something someone says. It could be a concept that I really want to delve into, like currently I have what I call- I call them Rosshill’s Realisms, and they’re basically wise sayings. I just kind of let my experience here influence what I’m going to write a lot of times. It’s very enjoyable for me and I get a lot of joy out of the creation process.Some of my writings take longer than others, but for the most part, they just kind of come like that! I’m very thankful.

Lovette, 48

Meet Lovette…

Diane: Would you say there was a moment when you were in here of transformation?

Lovette: Yes, it was like I had an epiphany. It was like the lightbulb came on. It was just a shift in my whole life. It was a turning point. It set me on the right track.

Diane: Will you share it with us?

Lovette: Yes! I basically was sitting alone with a pamphlet that one of the chaplains gave me, and I started doing an inventory. I started saying to myself, “You know what…” I started writing down on paper all the things that I was grateful for. All the things that I had. All the blessings that I had. Then I was like, “Oh my gosh, here I am, dwelling on who doesn’t come to see me. Who doesn’t this- who doesn’t that. But lo’ and behold, I had this huge list of all of the blessings and the good things. So let me start dwelling really on the good things!” and like I said, it was like an epiphany. Poof! It was wonderful!

Eric, 52

Meet Eric…

Diane: Who are you today that is different than the person that walked in? 

Eric: Today, I think I’m more compassionate and more responsible. That’s what college has done. First of all, it’s forced responsibility. And it helped me critically think. When in prison, it’s difficult anyway; you don’t want to divulge too much information. You have to be very careful who.

Diane: How is the reality of prison versus what you thought you knew? 

Eric: It could be violent. It all depends on where you want to go. Like some people opt to be part of a gang. For whatever reason, people like that camaraderie. I don’t like that kind of attention. I just think that it’s something that welcomes violence. I’m not a violent person.

Eric, 52

Meet Eric…

Eric: My name is Eric. I’m 53 years old next week. I’ve been incarcerated now for 13 years out of the 16-to-life sentence. And right now I’m in Sing Sing Correctional Facility, housed in the Honor Block. 

Diane: Tell me about the person that you were prior to coming to prison and who the person you are now is. 

Eric: Very pissed off, angry. Grew up in the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Got involved with doing drugs as a crutch to my depression. I originally worked in the garment industry, a sales representative, and did that for many years. I got family members in that field. I also worked for an energy service company and did very well at one point, but I wasn’t satisfied, I guess. I committed burglaries, in the Upper East Side of Manhattan- a string of them which resulted in my conviction. Hopefully now I’ve learned. 

All my family members pretty much dwindled during the course of my incarceration. My mother had passed. She’s a 9/11 survivor. She worked at Meryl Lynch diagonally across the street from the towers. She inhaled the polarized glass fumes that subsequently caused fungus in her lungs. She passed from COPD due to complications of 9/11 on February 2nd 2017. 

I do have a brother. He’s out of state in the Navy. He’s touch and go, though. So I’ve pretty much been all my own during most of this bid. 

But despite all that, I’ve had to kick off the dust and move forward. College was definitely a way to escape a lot of the ills associated with prison. I don’t hang out too much in the yard. I only socialize with people that are like minds and that want to go in the direction of making the best of this experience. Try not to go out the same way you came in. I’m working on my Bachelor’s right now on June 1st, and so that was a big accomplishment for me. 

Most of the time now I’m in my cell studying in the wee hours, burning the midnight oil, typing up my papers. They do have a computer lab here where you can do your papers, but I prefer being in the comfort of my own cell. It’s quiet, and where I’m at in Honor Block there’s not a lot of screams or music going on. Sometimes you don’t hear or see an officer for hours on end which is great, so I’m in my own head space and studying. I got books all over my bed. The size of the cell is about the size of a bathroom. The good thing though, because it’s the Honor Block, they need the cells open from 6:30am to 10:30 at night, so it has a lot of amenities that are not afforded to the general population. You can use the phone all day, hold a tablet. There’s an ice machine, you can cook. There’s a cat there, Tiger. So we feel a little bit more human. It just makes the bid go so much better. A lot of individuals there are those like myself who are in college or college graduates, masters included. There’s a music program here, Carnegie Hall. Who would think Carnegie Hall would be in a place like prison, right? Common was here not so long ago the other day. 

Diane: So tell me about Honor Block. Is the name indicative of how we get there? 

Eric: Yes. So you have to be first in the facility for at least a year without disciplinary for the right to be put on the list. And you still have to maintain your disciplinary. Because there’s only 88 cells there and the list is long, so it takes up to four years without ticket, which is very difficult. 

Diane: Who are you today that is different than the person that walked in? 

Eric: Today, I think I’m more compassionate and more responsible. That’s what college has done. First of all, it’s forced responsibility. And it helped me critically think. When in prison, it’s difficult anyway; you don’t want to divulge too much information. You have to be very careful who.

Diane: How is the reality of prison versus what you thought you knew? 

Eric: It could be violent. It all depends on where you want to go. Like some people opt to be part of a gang. For whatever reason, people like that camaraderie. I don’t like that kind of attention. I just think that it’s something that welcomes violence. I’m not a violent person. Like burglary, by statute, is violent cause they say that it could escalate to violence in the event that somebody comes home. I got the 16-to-life sentence. I’ve seen some of them, notorious crimes that supersede mine, get nowhere near that time. 

Diane: So earlier you talked about your Mom. Is there anything you want to share about her? 

Eric: Before she passed I remember being at her deathbed. I was able to get that visit. She had said, “I’m very proud of you.” She knew that I was pursuing my education. She said, “You know, I’m sorry that I failed you.” 

I said, “No, you did not. It was all on me.” She did nothing for me to move in that direction. So I said, “Mom, I’m gonna be okay.” And she passed like that. 

When I took my education, from what I understand, the parole board looks at it like- the recidivism rate at that time was less than 1%. So that was my thing, to assure them that I’m not coming back to prison. And I did it for that purpose. I had an ulterior motive: I gotta take this college thing, and it wasn’t necessary that I had a passion to learn about things, right? But as I started in the program, my thinking started to change and I started to have to critically think. I had to be responsible. I had to do my papers. And you know, I like to get A’s; I’m an A student. I have a couple of Bs. So I work hard and I started having this pride about when I submit my papers and I’m eager to know. I say, “I know I perfected, I got this, I aced this.” So now I understand why the recidivism rate is lower. You start to develop your character, you start to change your thinking, right? And you’re escaping, like I said earlier, the ills of prison and you’re removing yourself from that environment. And you become mature. 

Cool. Thank you so much guys.

Orlando, 52

Meet Orlando…

Orlando, 52
Incarcerated: 1.5 years
Housed: Itaguí, Colombia

Orlando: I’ve been back and forth between New York and Colombia. Familia is everything. They’ve been helping me since I came to jail. Everything I have here is because of them. My mother, my cousins and my sisters are very important to me.

Diane: When you say help, what does that mean?

Orlando: Money. The system is different here. You have to pay for everything. For my soap, my towels, blankets… You have to pay for everything.

Diane: What about food?

Orlando: We pay for everything. Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Diane: Is there any way to make money in here?

Orlando: No. 

Diane: What’s the hardest thing about being here?

Orlando: We are like 355 guys, and the place is built to house 100. Every time I go to sleep, it’s impossible, because I’ve got like six or seven different guys on top of my bed, my pillow, kicking me, so it’s impossible to sleep.

Diane: How big is your cell?

Orlando: It’s a hallway- I sleep in the hallway.

Diane: What do you worry most about during the day?

Orlando: The guys fight for everything in here. If you get out of line, if you do something stupid, if you talk to somebody or try to help somebody it’s a problem. I’m not a young guy anymore.

Diane: What gives you motivation everyday?

Orlando: My daughter.

Diane: Tell me about her.

Orlando: She’s living with her boyfriend right now. She’s only 18 years old. I’m worried about drugs; there’s a lot of things outside that could change a lot of things for her, and I don’t know what her boyfriend is doing or if he works.

Diane: Where does she live?

Orlando: Thirty-five minutes from here. 

Diane: Do you get to visit with her?

Orlando: No, she just got the cell ID, so I’m waiting for her.

Diane: Once you’re released, where will you go?

Orlando: My hometown about twenty minutes from here.

Diane: What do you miss the most about being outside apart from your family and your daughter?

Orlando: I miss my bike.

Diane: How is life in prison different than how you thought it was?

Orlando: Crazy. You find that in here people are crazy or trying to be crazy. Poor minded. 

Diane: What have you learned about yourself in here?

Orlando: Patience. Tolerancia.