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Paul, 61

Paul, 61

Stories

Meet Paul…

Incarcerated: 20 years, Army Veteran

I am a prisoner, a pauper, a poet, a painter and an author. I am a father and a son. My life is more than half over. It feels like I was born here in this cage, and when I die it will be my mausoleum. Life is a play. We play many parts, when the curtain is drawn, what will it all mean? Peace is a process, not an acquisition. Hear me, I am the silent one, the one you cannot see, then I shall fade away. Think before you feel. Be careful, life is full of negative emotions.

Breathe!

Body And Soul

Is love a desire and lust a need?
Is lust a desire and love a need?
The body has needs
The heart has capacity

Control of one is possible,
But are both?
Or is all truly illusion?
Do we control anything at all?

Love we cannot demand
It must be given freely
Yet we can open out hearts to love
Though to love is not always wise

Lust demands a payment from the soul
Love rarely remains unbroken
When all is done
When life and love and lust are through
Only death remains

Life and Death are opposites
Are Love and Lust?
Death knows no weakness
Only Purpose

 

Tandy, 37

Tandy, 37

Stories

Meet Tandy…

I was supposed to be a lawyer, but my family and I were prey to the crack epidemic. I was on the honor roll and student council. At 13, when the drugs finally broke up my family, I found myself homeless not knowing if I had passed the 8th grade. At 17 I was arrested. At 18 sentenced to my first prison stint in Wisconsin.

I remember feeling scared and relieved. Education while incarcerated has been my saving grace. When I got out I thought “I’ll be grown up and can put myself in school and rent my own house.” I did exactly what I said: got a job, rented an apartment and enrolled in college. Any time college costs 30k for an associate’s degree, something is wrong. But I didn’t know that then. In my second year,  an older man knocked me up. Told me he would drop the rent in the drop box after our daughter was born, never to be seen again.

Fearful that we’d be homeless I went back to the things that hurt me and saved me: selling drugs. Of course, it led me right back to prison. This time in the hard state of Texas. Here I’ve rediscovered my love of learning. I’ve gotten an associate’s degree and taken numerous classes but my love of learning goes beyond academia. This institution only offers low-level books. It is a struggle to attain books in the fields I like.

I believe everything that happens on earth happens within the human being. In agriculture the soil needs nourishment, it needs water, the weeds have to be pulled. So too do human beings. In prison, I’ve learned that I need self-care. I needed to pull out the weeds that hindered my growth from past hurts and neglect to abandonment and fear. I needed to nourish myself with love, positivity, belief, drive and compassion. I needed to build on my self-worth. A foundation not built upon.

No matter what, the seasons change. In some seasons the darkness comes quicker, lasts longer. Things wither away and die and the world seems cold. In other seasons the sun shines bright and darkness is fleeting. Those things that die will be resurrected and restored. That’s how I feel about life and humanity. 📸 Tandy’s

Johnnie, 41

Johnnie, 41

Stories

Meet Johnnie…

 

Last year she developed feelings for me. I know I’m a burden, she has six kids and has been married twice. She didn’t want to show her feelings. Instead, I was mean and pushed her away, I thought it was for her own good.

It became what it wasn’t meant to be. She wanted me to be her prince charming. We don’t talk anymore. She was all I had left. I’ve known Sara my whole life. I babysat and raised her since I was 19 and she was 15. She got locked up and then got out. She was really there for me. She gets it in here. She wrote to me, sent me money, packages and paid for lawyers. She was my best friend and loved me. She is dear to me. She was there for 13 years. We have a history.

I think that people misconstrue what prison is, and don’t know what goes on here. It’s traumatic for me. I am homesick all the time. Living here is like a nightmare, I hate it. I did wrong, but not that wrong to suffer this. All humans make mistakes. We’ve all done some things wrong.

This institution has taken so much from me. They lost all my pictures of my loved ones that passed away, including my mom. I try to transform it into a positive. I believe in the law of attraction, that there are secrets to figure out, energy to pursue. This DVD “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrnes talks about it. It was huge in 2007.

I’ve learned to avoid energy thieves, those people that ask you, “What are you smiling for?” I say, “Don’t worry about it.” I made it through years, I’ve lost family and friends. I have a good friend in here, Miguel. We have a weird bro thing. We understand what we go through, like family, even though we don’t say it. Miguel checks on me. Even Miguel’s got everything you would want, but he’s still stressed out, going through it too.

I don’t have a wife yet or other things. I do understand I would still be hurting if I did. It hurts that the person that loves you is not here. I do have support from a man who has been a pastor for 40 years. He’s like a dad. David Lucci. For 15 years he’s been here for me with everything, with unconditional love.

The secret is here …. someone leaves as another comes. 

Carl, 57

Carl, 57

Stories

 

A letter to myself. Experiences challenged you and made every good seem for naught. Generational dysfunction and learned desires were instrumental in being your destructive force. It was hard for you to navigate the intricate dynamics of relationships. There was no way you could form trust, empathy or confidence. Up went the walls and vices to buffer the anxiety and insecurities. I recall the fear that would well up, you would wish it away and abandon everybody and everything. Not easy and always painful.

Your unknown broken rejection was all you had. The hurt, harm, and danger incurred from unchecked issues furthered your emotions, moods, and sense of being. No wonder your journey in life came to an abrupt halt. Your tangible childhood models were abusive emotionally, physically and seldom produced any semblance of wholesomeness. The consistent toxic woes of poverty, alcoholism and aloneness were all there ever was. When times started off in a secure direction, tragedy struck time and time again.

Each traumatic event served to cue you up to check out from uncomfortable powerlessness impacts. No longer do you have to go on in life feeling alone and unsupported. Your mature, insightful, empathetic, compassionate, concerned self is present and confident to face life on its terms with an open mind.

With the murdering of Patricia you faced the darkest time of your life. For the years that ensued you’ve gone out on limbs, dived head first into vulnerability, gone all or nothing into ideals and practices that promote mental awareness. You’ve grown to address and resolve many of your issues to experience forgiveness for self and others you harmed and put in danger. Lastly, making the commitment to live and be present consciously, securely, has brought about change. The future doesn’t seem impossible as it used to. Although many people you once loved have gone on, there are just as many people who have come to offer experience, strength and hope. You are now humble and receptive to what they have to share. I feel assured that life is going to be better than you ever imagined! Don’t stop thriving, continue on, you are worth it.

📸from Molly Carl second on left @ Toys 4 Tots

EDDIE, 46

EDDIE, 46

Stories

EDDIE, 46

The word of a transgender-woman put me in shackles, yet when her story changed to my benefit, those facts went unreported. I was sent to ‘The Hole’ (solitary confinement) for prison rape elimination act (PREA) investigation. What was supposed to be a three to five-day investigation, got a 90-day extension. My evidence was ignored. My witnesses were not called, interviewed, or even contacted. I just sat in the hole while prisoners and correctional officers continued to treat me as if I was guilty.

Correctional officers allowed prisoners to steal my property. At that vulnerable time, I was not given any opportunity to send any of my property home. When the charges against me were deemed unsubstantiated, my reputation still suffered. An educator accused me of being put in isolation for a rape attempt. Prisoners assaulted my character with the word “pimp.” Nothing could be more hurtful or further from the truth.

When I was released 22 days later, my body had to repair itself from the self-inflicted damage it had incurred from a 20-day hunger strike. I was prepared for that. What I was not prepared for was how my mind had to heal. I kept my distance from all people. Even in a post-Covid-19 world, I found it a difficult task to request that people respectfully give me six to ten feet of space. After being isolated on the word of one, space was my greatest comfort to feel safe. Weeks went by with me explaining to people my strange needs, until genuine support began to cause me to feel normal enough to begin to let my walls down. It was then and only then that my smile began to return.

Thanks to all my haters, I forgive you. But to my supporters who never had any doubt, you are few, I love you. And I love you too.

Despite my current geographical location and overwhelming odds against me, I remain with a positive outlook on my future. With permission to mourn my losses, I close. Thank you for the opportunity to share. 📸 Eddie’s only

Talking with my mother opened the door for a lot of family healing.

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