Over time, I realized it’s not about the picture, but about the words written inside.
When I first got locked up, I spent a lot of time with myself. I think self-discovery is one of the toughest parts of being incarcerated, especially in the beginning, because all you can think about is what you don’t have. Over time, I began to learn who I was, not just where I lacked, but also what I was good at. I found that even though I sometimes fall into a funk, I don’t stay stuck for long. I thank God for a spirit that just won’t give up. It might not seem like much, but it’s easy to give up, especially in here. Everything and everyone tells you that you’re not worth it, that you’re a burden. I didn’t know how to draw, I say that because I still don’t, but I’ve learned how to make cards. I trace a picture, add a little color to make it pretty, well, at least I think so, lol! The thing I found joy in wasn’t just making cards for myself but making them for others, so they could send something to their family and friends. Over time, I realized it’s not about the picture, but about the words written inside. In my first year of making cards, I made a few hundred for Valentine’s Day, probably over 500 for Mother’s Day, and was still making them in June for guys who wanted to send them late. But when it came to Father’s Day, I made 20 cards and only gave away three. I couldn’t even give them away. I talked to guys, trying to understand why, and it hit me, nine out of ten of us either don’t know our fathers, never had a relationship with them, or they’re either incarcerated or resting in peace. That realization changed my mindset about us as individuals.
I don’t know if something broken can ever truly be fixed, but just because something doesn’t work the way it was designed to doesn’t mean it won’t work at all. The idea of family, mom, dad, brother, sister, house, fence, dog, cat, it’s like a Hallmark movie. Many of us never had that, but we still long for it. There’s no way to go back in time and get it, but technology has given us a unique opportunity. Genealogy testing can help fix what was broken. I don’t know my father, not really. I met the man I was told was my father in my senior year of high school, but I was too lost in my own struggles to ask the right questions. As I told you before, I was super selfish. I take everything personally, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. But over time, I’ve gotten to a place where I ask myself, Now what? I don’t want to be stuck anymore. For years, I looked at life through the lens of a victim mentality. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying my best every day to choose a perspective of love and victory. Some days it feels impossible, but most days, it gives me energy.
Mental health is a huge problem in prison. I won’t get into all of it today, but if anyone ever wants to sit down and talk, I have ideas for solutions. One of the biggest issues is that people here are over-prescribed medication and treated as victims of mental illness rather than individuals capable of overcoming it. I’ve written to request books from people who have lived through this, people who’ve been behind these walls, who’ve struggled with mental health but found ways to overcome it. Those are the stories we need. If mental health programs in prison shifted from treating people as victims to empowering them as teachers, we could change everything. If you ask me, How are you? I’ll probably take a deep breath and start listing all my problems. But if you ask me, What would you share with someone going through the same thing? suddenly, my mindset shifts. It’s natural for us to want to be part of something greater than ourselves. We weren’t created to be selfish. Tough times and inward focus have been cruel teachers, but we can change that.
With nine out of ten of us not knowing our fathers or our father’s side of the family, genealogy testing, something as simple as 23andMe could open doors we never imagined. It’s like a GPS, you can’t reach a destination if you don’t know where you’re starting from. If we knew who we are, where we come from, we’d see ourselves differently. We’d have the chance to build relationships with family we never knew existed. I believe most of the 2 million incarcerated people would sign up to give their DNA if they had the chance. Most of us were pretty precocious individuals. I don’t know my father, and the possibility of me having children who don’t know me is high. But there’s so much we can learn through technology. Many of us are incarcerated for harming individuals or communities, yet we have no way to give back except to sit behind bars. That’s not rehabilitation that’s warehousing. Thank you for being a lighthouse in the ocean, helping us find our way. The need for a space to share ideas and solutions is vital for real change. Most people don’t know how much work you put in, I only know a little myself, but when I look at you all, I see possibilities. I see greatness. You are a gift from God. I can’t explain it any better than that.
