This time ain’t no joke, yet I have grown to be grateful for this length of time to work on myself and try to be a better person for my own good before anybody else’s, keeping my girl as my #1 motivator. I’m currently serving out 16½ years at 50% (8yrs 3m). I’m 25 years old, turning 26 in November. I have a beautiful 5yr old daughter, who is my heart, my whole world. Being gone, missing important moments eats at me each day. I try so hard to let those feelings motivate me, not bring me down.
This is my second time doing this. My 1st time was almost too easy. I was barely 20 years old, finishing out 3 years at 50% with 7 months in County, ended up only being in prison about 4 months before I was given my good time and was on immediate release. At that age, I couldn’t be told nothing. I’m still young now, but back then, not only was I reckless, but I didn’t see a reason for change. So, here we are…
I’ve been blessed with doing my time at this facility, which most people aren’t happy about, but the structure and discipline within these walls help me to become the person I’m working toward being. It’s a scary thought, to be serving 16 1⁄2 years at 50%, outdated late 2033, especially when you’re 25! That same feeling keeps me focused and helps me not let anyone get me out of my body! Also, knowing that the lost girl who wandered for so many years trying to find her way, her purpose, has been given an opportunity to finally take the time to soul search, to really think of my goals I want to reach in life!
To be able to take the time needed to actually try to get to know who I am again, without drugs, facing the demons that I’ve let hold me down for so many years, not just drown out the noise by getting high. But, actually taking time to learn how to quiet the noise myself and working through my traumas.
In 2021, I was in a near death, life changing, very traumatic situation that I’m still processing and learning to cope with. Luckily, (I believe) God gave me the strength to fight long enough, and by His will I was able to find my way out and get to help. I still suffer, probably always will, from TBI (traumatic brain injury), frontal lobe damage, which has a lot to do with a person’s memory, short and long. So, I struggle each day with memory loss. At first, remembering names of my own family was difficult. As time goes forward, it gets easier. Some days are worse than others. Up until my arrest, I just used drugs to numb all the pain. Now, learning how to feel all these emotions is new and harder to face.
My fiancé of 4 years recently took his own life, struggling with life also. The emotions I feel for that loss are very extreme. A pain so bad, some days it takes my air out my lungs. I’m struggling daily with life, but I’m a work-in progress! I’m grateful for this time to mentally learn how to deal with life and still become the successful woman I strive to be, the mother my daughter needs me to be. I’m grateful to still be alive, breathing. By God’s grace! I appreciate this chance to share, and I hope my story helps another see that they can do it. Life is tough, but so are we! Bless up!
Brii
