Life can seem confusing at times and a lot at other times. It was like that for me when I was on the verge of being a follower of Messiah Yeshua. “Let go of your old ways, desires, dreams,” I kept hearing. “Yeah, right, f*** that, I didn’t want to.
Although distorted, my old ways brought me joy and gave me a sense of purpose. I didn’t want to let go of something I was familiar with for someone I didn’t understand. I had been an atheist for 20 years, after which I believed that some higher power was in control of this thing we call life. I had said that I believed in Yeshua, but looking back now, my heart wasn’t focused on Him, so I didn’t have the chance to know Him, or should I say “be known by Him.”
I kept doing me, and life felt like I was going in circles. I felt like a dog chasing his tail, except it wasn’t fun. I felt like I was going back to square one. I began to get tired of doing things that did not amount to anything, spending time, energy, and other resources for what seemed like chasing after the wind.
After having landed in prison and feeling lost for too long, I had reached the point where I handed my life over to Yeshua. After a couple of years of journeying with Him and many hopes, dreams, tests, and doubts, I began to develop this understanding of walking in faith and living as a sacrifice unto him. I started to experience peace and joy that made no sense.
Spiritually, life made sense, even when, logically, it didn’t. I felt in control of myself, knowing that God was in control. I began to feel fuzzy inside, like I was in love. But at that time, I didn’t know with whom. Feeling bubbly like someone I loved was back in love with me, but who? This love within inspired me to love others in ways I couldn’t before. It gave me the power to do things I couldn’t before and the wisdom to guide me on the journey.
Without trying, my dreams began to unfold. I began to wonder if they were even my dreams to start with. Ironically, lately, I have been grappling with a dream I believe God gave me. Every time I tried to go after it, it seemed to pull away. The more I tried, the further it went, so I accepted it and thought it was nothing, and it was in those moments when it would come right back around. It would begin to tug at my heart; having accepted that it wasn’t for me, I kept pushing it away. Still, the harder I would push it away, the harder it would tug at my heart, only for history to repeat itself, with me chasing it and then having it pulled away from me again.
I asked God what was happening and heard a voice, “You keep trying to take matters into your own hands. I want to give it to you, but you keep trying to take it. If you try to do this in your wisdom, you will always try to maintain it in your understanding. For my dream for you to come to pass, you must surrender to me and let me do it through you, so enter my rest.”
Now, even though the circumstances are wholly against me and there is a barbed wire fence between us, I patiently wait for my promise for my dream to come to pass. This is a fight of faith, done in the spiritual realm. I write this to say what Yeshua has done for me. He freed me, and it is all thanks to Him who saved me from addictions. He helped me with my emotional baggage and gave me strength to endure. Freed me from things within that held me down and kept me from being the person God had created me to be.
He has inspired creativity in me and given me the wisdom to walk this journey in life. I no longer live as someone trying to numb my emotions through substances or other unhealthy activities. I now chase Yeshua for His righteousness. As someone who took someone’s life, I owe it to my victims and myself to be a better person. Yeshua helps me make amends. One of which is to be a loving person. I want to be the best version of myself and be ready to do good work. I was serving and loving God by serving and loving others. Anything good that I ever do, I give the credit to Him.
