I have learned that awful and traumatic things happen in life, and most people will experience them. It’s how we handle those experiences that truly matters.
Three years ago today, I found my biological mother deceased on the floor. She had been given six months to live, one and a half months prior. She was battling cancer for the third time. In my grief, I tried to pick her up, and to my horror, rigor mortis had already set in, and I could not. In the following weeks and days, I tried to drown my pain and sorrow and I relapsed into drugs. This caused the love of my life to turn on me, torturing me with her cheating, lies, and taking advantage of me financially. Needless to say, my parole was violated, and I have been returned to prison without a new conviction, for life. I have gone through periods of deep depression, anger, and significant personal growth. I have discovered things about myself I never thought possible. I am deeply ashamed of my relapse and the disrespect I showed to my mother’s memory. I am more secure in my sobriety now than ever before and feel confident in my ability to maintain it. I have learned that awful and traumatic things happen in life, and most people will experience them. It’s how we handle those experiences that truly matters. I have also had to cope with my sister’s death and prepare myself for the inevitable loss of the woman who raised me since I was three, my mother Judy. I know she will pass someday, and I am now confident that I will handle it responsibly and sober. I’ve also come to realize that my love life doesn’t have to come before everything else. I need to be in a safe, healthy place mentally before inviting someone new into my life. Do I want to have someone to love? ABSOLUTELY. Do I need someone to love me to feel worthy? NO! Because now, I love myself, and that has never been the case until now.
