I’ll be raw and authentic, sharing my story with anyone willing to listen, hoping to inspire and show others they’re not alone.
My journey through shame
In the past, shame felt like an invisible, overwhelming force, weighing heavily on my face and living in my belly, dragging me into a downward spiral. It made me obsess over everything, constantly ruminating and regretting the harm I had caused. I saw the wake of destruction left behind by my selfishness and callous actions. “What have I done?!” I thought, frozen in a fetal position as I slid deeper into the darkness. “What’s wrong with me?!” I spiraled further down. “I’m a monster! Why did I do it?!” The spiral turned into free fall. “What are these feelings? Why does it hurt so much?”
It felt as though I had been condemned to the abyss. Shame was oppressive, like kneeling under a roaring waterfall, crushing my head and shoulders, unable to lift my face from the relentless pressure of self-defeating thoughts. My mind’s eye stayed fixed on the past.
Somehow, I crawled away from the waterfall and found myself in the darkest pit of sorrow. I drowned in self-pity, unable to keep my head above water. I floundered in denial and responsibility as flashes of harm filled my mind. I wallowed in self-loathing, stuck in what felt like an eternity.
“I’m tired of this. Can anyone see me? I can’t take the pain anymore. Please make it go away—Help! I swallowed a bottle of aspirin.” The shame suffocated me, unable to express the regret that enveloped me. “Help! I just tried to hang myself.” Emotionally frayed, I begged for death’s mercy. “Please take me. I can’t take this anymore. I’m tired of being tired. Help! I tried to cut myself.”
“Thank you for seeing me and not my crime, Doc… What do you mean, I’m not my crime? But, I harmed so many people. What? That’s the guilt?”
“Okay, so you’re challenging me to turn guilt into something positive? I’ll accept. I don’t know the name of these feelings yet, so I’ll draw and paint how they feel. I’ll be patient and compassionate with myself as I learn to identify them. Instead of avoiding suffering, I’ll sit, meditate, and explore the root of my pain. I’ll give myself positive affirmations. I’ll participate in self-help groups to understand myself better. I’ll practice Buddhism, which teaches how to stop suffering. I’ll cultivate mindfulness, the mother of all interventions. I’ll abstain from harming others, from taking things not given, from sexual misconduct, and from unskillful speech and actions. I’ll let go so I can grow. I’ll seek to understand why I did it. I’ll be mindful and present to notice when I’m triggered. I’ll implement new coping skills. I’ll be willing to try new things and fail, learning from my failure. I’ll be willing to change. I’ll be the change I wish to see in the world.
With this new drive to give back, I’ll help train dogs to give them a second chance in life. I’ll listen to the voiceless. I’ll be raw and authentic, sharing my story with anyone willing to listen, hoping to inspire and show others they’re not alone. With all my heart, I see you and hear you.
Hi, my name is “George,” and thank you for seeing me.”
