I am unhappy and no longer wish to remain in this state. Those around me have told me that it is entirely up to me whether or not I am unhappy. Connections to others are what I seek beyond these confines. Creating new bonds, new relationships, and making new friends are things I have been looking for all these years. However, not for the lack of trying.
Even over the years, my family and long-time friends refused to assist me in this endeavor, not because they didn’t wish to see me happy or sad. No, it was due solely to their embarrassment at the thought of having to explain the why, and so they would say that my time would be best spent working or doing everything possible to ensure my future success and that building new relationships while in my situation was foolish and selfish to these new people pouring this too. You can express the stress such relationships create. So you can see they are very opinionated and have substantial control issues. They have wanted to control the narrative. There are these cousins I have not spoken to because of these control issues.
I am in a program where the community is supposed to be like a brotherhood, and true connections are exclusive even here. I love to produce art, and though I am currently working on a project, that is all I do. I seek a muse or muses. There it is again, seeking external resources to find my way back to happiness. When I look within, I see only sadness.
I have much to offer and bring to any relationship. The main thing that I bring to the table is truth. All anyone ever needs from me is to ask the question you want to ask and be sure you wish to know the answer. I will cross any bridge or boundary once either is established. I keep them intact. In my search for new, meaningful, professional, and intimate relationships, I treat everyone with the care all humans deserve. This has not always been the case, and I have come to understand that for me to matter in this world, everyone else must matter to me. I show this by truly caring about them. What else I seek in forming these new bonds is a second chance at life for others who see that I have become a person who deserves happiness and wishes to spread that joy.
I always sought others to take that first step until I realized I could expect anyone to take a chance on me if I was not taking a real opportunity. Trusting in me was the first step, and now I seek anyone who will take these next steps with me and see what we create together.
