While I was in the hospital, I held my baby as much as I could because I didn’t know when they would come to transfer me.
I became a mom at 15 years old. My son was born on July 7, 2011, and he died on July 13, 2011. This took a big toll on my mental health. My whole family was devastated. Two years later, I found out I was expecting our second child. Then nearly four years after that, I had our third child.
I ended up getting involved with the wrong crowd and was introduced to drugs. The first drug I ever tried was fentanyl. All it took was that one time, and I was addicted. After that, I started making bad choices and choosing drugs over everything, including my relationship of 16 years.
Over the years, I was in and out of jail until I couldn’t bond out anymore. That’s when I found out I was 13 weeks pregnant with our fourth child. I tried so many times to get clean and get my life back on track, but I kept spiraling. I got into an addiction center and was prescribed Suboxone and later methadone for my drug addiction. I attended meetings and even tried to get into inpatient rehab, but I was denied because they didn’t take my health insurance.
Now it’s 2024. I went to court for all my arrests over the last few years and ended up on probation. But I was still using drugs, and I knew I was going back to jail. This time, I had no bond. After about five months, I was sentenced to prison. So now, I will give birth while incarcerated. That broke me. It was so demoralizing. They don’t let you have family with you during delivery, just a correctional officer and a doctor. Then they give you only two days with your newborn before they transfer you.
This is the hardest thing I’ve had to do since burying my first child. While I was in the hospital, I held my baby as much as I could because I didn’t know when they would come to transfer me. I knew I had to leave my baby at the hospital until my family could pick her up. It felt like losing a child all over again. There’s no way to prepare for something like that.
It hurts having my kids visit me and not understanding that I can’t walk out the doors and go home with them. Being a mother behind bars is painful because there’s nothing you can do to change it. It’s put a big strain on my family, who had to step in to care for my children. I’m so grateful for my parents and my sister, who are taking care of them until I come home. Some women in here don’t have anyone at all, and their kids end up in the system.
Now, my kids’ father is struggling with addiction too. So not only did they lose their mom, but now their dad is going down the same path I was on. If you know anyone struggling with addiction, please take my advice and get help before you lose everything, including your freedom. I am a good person and a good mother. I just made some bad choices that led me here.
I have God to help me through this, and I pray every day. I know He is with me and will help me fight the urge to use and keep me on the right path. I’ve had to learn how to forgive myself and how to love myself again. I am worth saving. I have my whole life ahead of me and three beautiful kids waiting for me to come home.
What I miss the most is my kids and my family. I also miss real food, privacy, my cell phone, and music. This is not the life I want for myself or for my children. When I get released, I want to help others like me know the truth about addiction, that the high is NOT worth it. I hope my story can help others going through this. You are not alone!
