I want to be able to contribute to help kids avoid this madness.
I never had any hope of getting out, and a month before the re-sentencing laws changed, I caught another third strike for battery on an inmate with a weapon, though he wasn’t injured badly because, to be honest, I didn’t really want to hurt him. I was more worried that I would hurt him than I actually wanted to. I have spent most of my life in institutions since I was 13, juvenile hall, jail, and prison. I have struggled all my life with borderline personality disorder. My brother and I were never loved or validated as children, and throughout these decades, I have had fewer than ten visits and very little support. My brother was the only one who ever loved me unconditionally. When he passed away, I lost it. I gave up and cut my jugular, but I was saved by the heroic efforts of staff and a vascular surgeon on duty at U.C. Davis. I have no family left, and in September 2024, I was denied parole for five years due to a mutual combat charge and a positive THC test from a year ago. The mutual combat charge was just dismissed in January 2025, it was never a fight at all, yet they still used it to keep me in for five more years. They get away with a lot when you’re alone and destitute.
I have given the state my youth, my family, and my health. I have an aortic aneurysm they refuse to operate on and have manipulated test results to keep me from having the procedure. I have lost 27 pounds, and they won’t even give me protein shakes. The doctor ignores it, and the food here is disgusting, always cold and unsafe, but this is my life. I have been abused since childhood, so I am used to it. I was involved in prison gangs for most of my time inside but have since distanced myself from them. I have been trying to focus on getting out, but it’s difficult because the board’s requirements can’t be met. They don’t offer much at this prison at all. I am intelligent and earned my GED in prison. I am well-read, love history, science, and nature, and have a huge heart and deep compassion. I never put myself out there because I am a hopeless romantic with a fragile heart. I am an “all-in” kind of person but too afraid of being hurt, which has led to a lonely, unfulfilled, and miserable life. The smallest things capture my heart, and I dream of one day falling in love and spending my days and nights making sure the person I love never wants for anything. I spend my days and nights alone. I read, sometimes watch movies on my tablet when I can afford it, and make the most beautiful, realistic paper roses in the system.
I don’t want to die alone in prison, knowing that I have no one to claim my body. The policy is that they cremate you and then throw your ashes in the trash. It really bothers me that they can take everything from me and then discard me like nothing. I want to be able to contribute to help kids avoid this madness. Thank you all for allowing me to share a piece of my life.
