Clayton, 31

Clayton, 31

Meet Clayton…

I learned to face my past head-on by writing, speaking, and accepting all that happened, I could have done this so years ago and prevented a life sentence.

Clayton, 31
Incarcerated: 6 years
Housed: San Quentin State Prison

As I crunched the paper, twisting it into a cross to place into my dad’s open casket, I never assumed I’d be made fun of for it. The bullies at school made sure to remind me of the open casket legacy which my father left behind after his overdose on heroin. While their dads were at ‘Meet the Parents Day’ all I had to present was a picture of a tombstone. Though their dads were important, I was belittled to live up to the curse my father left behind for me. Whether reality set in or not, one thing I knew for sure, “Like father, like son.” Addiction plagued my father. He passed it on to my siblings, and they passed it on to me. At age 16, my sister told me that by the age of three,  I was exposed to meth’s intoxicating high. Through tears she told me, and through anger I went forward. This admission was all I needed, to dive deeper into my progressing addiction. Years into my life sentence, I realized something. Rather than face the fact that I am resilient, I withered away behind the trauma. The young man who stroked his father’s cold, pale skin one last time.

Now, with nothing but time on my hands to think, I made a huge discovery. I found the source of my anxiety, fear, and discomfort stemming from the traumas of my childhood. Every day we choose, and these choices define our lives. I chose to perpetuate the trauma and the pain I carry, by passing it on to others. Just as I learned to face my past head-on by writing, speaking, and accepting all that happened, I could have done this so years ago and prevented a life sentence. Had I been strong enough back then, I would have spared so many undeserving people from so much suffering. I realize today that I am my father’s son, and my Father is God. Through the transformation which has occurred while walking in the fire, I will be able to reach others still trapped behind the tempest of trauma. To all the people I have harmed over the years, I owe my transformation to you. I will honor your lives everyday, as I continue to learn, grow and change; as I work to leave behind a new legacy on this Earth.

Jonathan, 30

Meet Jonathan…

Maybe I was a hateful person, but never more to others than I was to myself. I hated myself so much that I felt maybe prison was the only place I should be.

Jonathan, 30
Incarcerated: 9 years
Housed: Sing Sing Correctional Facility, Ossining, New York

I remember cutting myself to see if my adopted parents would show some sort of compassion. I was in for a rude awakening. If I didn’t grow to understand the meaning of my suffering. I would easily have been a hateful person. Maybe I was a hateful person, but never more to others than I was to myself. I hated myself so much that I felt maybe prison was the only place I should be. My vision from as far back as I can remember was nothing but destruction and self-hate. I’ve had guns pointed at my head at 10 and not an ounce of fear did I feel, not one ounce. I was on a suicide mission; I mean life was so fucked up that death could not have been any worse. I am an incarcerated individual for committing a serious crime against humanity. I spilled blood and even though that life can never be given back to that person, I will never allow that person’s death to be in vain. The day I was sentenced, his mother told me to use my time to change my life. I’ve done that, now it’s time to help the new generation gain an understanding of their life. The ones who have parents and the ones who don’t. We need to be examples to the youth, help them find that vision. That is my purpose. I love humanity. There are so many people who are going through worse things than I am. Some people have it so bad that my struggles are like a dot to the universe. That thought process is what has gotten me through life. Now I just want to live the great words of Muhammed Ali, “Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.”

Juan, 58

Juan, 58

Meet Juan…

I shot two men in a Jack in the Box in Waikiki to defend her with the pistol she used to try to save our lives. I’m schizophrenic and my English is not good, but I’m thankful for you.

Juan, 58
Incarcerated: 33 years
Housed: Halawa Correctional Facility, Aiea, Hawaii

I shot two men in a Jack in the Box in Waikiki to defend her with the pistol she used to try to save our lives. I’m schizophrenic and my English is not good, but I’m thankful for you. Throughout all these years, I haven’t gotten a single write-up. Here, they consider me a model prisoner, but unfortunately, they attacked me, broke my teeth and I’m currently suffering in my liver, heart and kidneys. I work in the chapel Monday to Friday, but for no reason, I have more enemies than friends. However, most of the staff and prisoners appreciate me a lot. May God bless and be with you. 

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