Vantwan, 39

Am I being my true self? Who am I when the high wears off, the party is over, and everyone has gone home?

I didn’t even realize the grip addiction had on my life. If it was the solution, why did I have to keep using? Did I not notice it was only getting worse, demanding more and more of my time, attention, and energy? Addiction kept me loaded and distracted from the real issues at hand. I was not in control of my own life. I’ve said before: You can have my life as long as you keep me happy and keep me from feeling. Addiction kept me comfortable while I sacrificed my own morals, values, and judgment. That’s why, when I was sober, I had to go back to not feeling, I couldn’t face the life I had created for myself, a life addiction never allowed me to truly experience. I ran from people, places, and things, but I couldn’t run from myself. That’s why the first step is admitting I am powerless and that my life has become unmanageable. Because addiction tells me I can do it all on my own, the way I always have. Today, I ask myself: Am I being my true self? Who am I when the high wears off, the party is over, and everyone has gone home? That’s who I am. In the end, I never wanted the party to stop—because once it did, it was just me. Do I even know this person? If I do, then why am I avoiding him?