Iโll be raw and authentic, sharing my story with anyone willing to listen, hoping to inspire and show others theyโre not alone.
My journey through shame
In the past, shame felt like an invisible, overwhelming force, weighing heavily on my face and living in my belly, dragging me into a downward spiral. It made me obsess over everything, constantly ruminating and regretting the harm I had caused. I saw the wake of destruction left behind by my selfishness and callous actions. โWhat have I done?!โ I thought, frozen in a fetal position as I slid deeper into the darkness. โWhatโs wrong with me?!โ I spiraled further down. โIโm a monster! Why did I do it?!โ The spiral turned into free fall. โWhat are these feelings? Why does it hurt so much?โ
It felt as though I had been condemned to the abyss. Shame was oppressive, like kneeling under a roaring waterfall, crushing my head and shoulders, unable to lift my face from the relentless pressure of self-defeating thoughts. My mindโs eye stayed fixed on the past.
Somehow, I crawled away from the waterfall and found myself in the darkest pit of sorrow. I drowned in self-pity, unable to keep my head above water. I floundered in denial and responsibility as flashes of harm filled my mind. I wallowed in self-loathing, stuck in what felt like an eternity.
ย โIโm tired of this. Can anyone see me? I canโt take the pain anymore. Please make it go awayโHelp! I swallowed a bottle of aspirin.โ The shame suffocated me, unable to express the regret that enveloped me. โHelp! I just tried to hang myself.โ Emotionally frayed, I begged for deathโs mercy. โPlease take me. I canโt take this anymore. Iโm tired of being tired. Help! I tried to cut myself.โ
โThank you for seeing me and not my crime, Doc… What do you mean, Iโm not my crime? But, I harmed so many people. What? Thatโs the guilt?โ
โOkay, so youโre challenging me to turn guilt into something positive? Iโll accept. I donโt know the name of these feelings yet, so Iโll draw and paint how they feel. Iโll be patient and compassionate with myself as I learn to identify them. Instead of avoiding suffering, Iโll sit, meditate, and explore the root of my pain. Iโll give myself positive affirmations. Iโll participate in self-help groups to understand myself better. Iโll practice Buddhism, which teaches how to stop suffering. Iโll cultivate mindfulness, the mother of all interventions. Iโll abstain from harming others, from taking things not given, from sexual misconduct, and from unskillful speech and actions. Iโll let go so I can grow. Iโll seek to understand why I did it. Iโll be mindful and present to notice when Iโm triggered. Iโll implement new coping skills. Iโll be willing to try new things and fail, learning from my failure. Iโll be willing to change. Iโll be the change I wish to see in the world.
With this new drive to give back, Iโll help train dogs to give them a second chance in life. Iโll listen to the voiceless. Iโll be raw and authentic, sharing my story with anyone willing to listen, hoping to inspire and show others theyโre not alone. With all my heart, I see you and hear you.
Hi, my name is โGeorge,โ and thank you for seeing me.โ