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Iโ€™ll be raw and authentic, sharing my story with anyone willing to listen, hoping to inspire and show others theyโ€™re not alone.

My journey through shame

In the past, shame felt like an invisible, overwhelming force, weighing heavily on my face and living in my belly, dragging me into a downward spiral. It made me obsess over everything, constantly ruminating and regretting the harm I had caused. I saw the wake of destruction left behind by my selfishness and callous actions. โ€œWhat have I done?!โ€ I thought, frozen in a fetal position as I slid deeper into the darkness. โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with me?!โ€ I spiraled further down. โ€œIโ€™m a monster! Why did I do it?!โ€ The spiral turned into free fall. โ€œWhat are these feelings? Why does it hurt so much?โ€

It felt as though I had been condemned to the abyss. Shame was oppressive, like kneeling under a roaring waterfall, crushing my head and shoulders, unable to lift my face from the relentless pressure of self-defeating thoughts. My mindโ€™s eye stayed fixed on the past.

Somehow, I crawled away from the waterfall and found myself in the darkest pit of sorrow. I drowned in self-pity, unable to keep my head above water. I floundered in denial and responsibility as flashes of harm filled my mind. I wallowed in self-loathing, stuck in what felt like an eternity.

ย โ€œIโ€™m tired of this. Can anyone see me? I canโ€™t take the pain anymore. Please make it go awayโ€”Help! I swallowed a bottle of aspirin.โ€ The shame suffocated me, unable to express the regret that enveloped me. โ€œHelp! I just tried to hang myself.โ€ Emotionally frayed, I begged for deathโ€™s mercy. โ€œPlease take me. I canโ€™t take this anymore. Iโ€™m tired of being tired. Help! I tried to cut myself.โ€

โ€œThank you for seeing me and not my crime, Doc… What do you mean, Iโ€™m not my crime? But, I harmed so many people. What? Thatโ€™s the guilt?โ€

โ€œOkay, so youโ€™re challenging me to turn guilt into something positive? Iโ€™ll accept. I donโ€™t know the name of these feelings yet, so Iโ€™ll draw and paint how they feel. Iโ€™ll be patient and compassionate with myself as I learn to identify them. Instead of avoiding suffering, Iโ€™ll sit, meditate, and explore the root of my pain. Iโ€™ll give myself positive affirmations. Iโ€™ll participate in self-help groups to understand myself better. Iโ€™ll practice Buddhism, which teaches how to stop suffering. Iโ€™ll cultivate mindfulness, the mother of all interventions. Iโ€™ll abstain from harming others, from taking things not given, from sexual misconduct, and from unskillful speech and actions. Iโ€™ll let go so I can grow. Iโ€™ll seek to understand why I did it. Iโ€™ll be mindful and present to notice when Iโ€™m triggered. Iโ€™ll implement new coping skills. Iโ€™ll be willing to try new things and fail, learning from my failure. Iโ€™ll be willing to change. Iโ€™ll be the change I wish to see in the world.

With this new drive to give back, Iโ€™ll help train dogs to give them a second chance in life. Iโ€™ll listen to the voiceless. Iโ€™ll be raw and authentic, sharing my story with anyone willing to listen, hoping to inspire and show others theyโ€™re not alone. With all my heart, I see you and hear you.

Hi, my name is โ€œGeorge,โ€ and thank you for seeing me.โ€

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