How are we, transfolk, supposed to feel safe if we can’t even rely on those paid to keep us safe?
Dear friends at HoSQ,
Your words are like a soft stream pushing past a quiet sandbank. As I read and reread your message, I wanted so badly to run out there and let you all know, while giving each of you a HUG, I will RISE!!
My only desire is not to bring hurt to my assailants (yes, more than one), but to let them know that I forgive them. It is not up to me to punish, there is He who will, in the end, make things right. It wouldn’t surprise me if nothing is done to them, especially with all the anti-transgender messages being pushed through every possible channel.
I have love in my heart. I came to SQRC for gender-affirming surgery, but ended up being held hostage. I warned staff of the self-perceived lack of safety even before getting vaginoplasty. I was placed in RHU after being released from the recovery room. After one week of investigating my allegations, I was sent right back. Then, at the beginning of Pride Month, I was assaulted.
I have no more tears. I have no anger. Just confusion. How are we, transfolk, supposed to feel safe if we can’t even rely on those paid to keep us safe? I am currently isolated. As a trans woman alone in a hostile unit, I only talk to myself in a positive way to lift my spirits. I will continue my activism, for I now truly see that education is desperately needed. I’m fighting to go home so I can continue educating the masses in a safer environment, society.
“I am not alone. Even though the journey to healing is long, hard, and filled with work, I have the tools I need and that’s dangerous in the hands of a female who, as a child, has already survived hell on Earth. I’ve come so far. There is no going back.”
In Solidarity,
Ms. Taina Rose
Proud Survivor 💜
“Internalizing Things, NOT a Way to Recover”
Part One
By Taina Rose 💜
Internalizing things, especially trauma is the main causative factor of my criminal life. It’s the temporary fixture that connected my entire life. The conditioning of my mind began with the breaking of my heart by my first friend in life, when I was around 11 years old. Already a loner, I didn’t socialize with kids and preferred being alone. Victor N. became the exception. We were the best of friends. We played basketball, walked to middle school together, and just hung out. I don’t remember another time in my young life when someone impacted me so much.
Then one day, for reasons I still don’t understand, he walked up to me and said, with respectful innocence, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” and walked away. He began hanging out with a girl we playfully called Monkey. It was the end of fall in Connecticut—the cold was coming.
Though my heart was crushed, I felt nothing. I refused to cry. I internalized that strange feeling.
Not long after, I was looking out the window when my father came beside me and saw me watching some kids get ready to play baseball.
Dad said, “JR, go get your brother and see if they’ll let you two play.” I would never show fear in front of Pops, so I called my brother and we went down. I had no idea what I was doing.
My brother spoke with the boys, and an argument started between them. The bats came out. My brother stood his ground. I ran upstairs straight to my room and laid on my bed like nothing had happened, internalizing again.
My father came in and asked, “Why did you run and leave your brother?”
I said, “They had bats.”
He said, “Son, they were plastic Wiffle bats.”
I said nothing, just internalizing it.
My life felt better and safer when I was alone. And alone I was, at 13 in Puerto Rico, when I was molested by an uncle.
When I walked home and was about to enter the house, my mom was on the porch rocking in her chair. She looked at my face and said, “Mija, what happened?”
We locked eyes.
I said, “Nothing, Mom.”
She said, “Your eyes look different.”
I said nothing, put my head down, and went inside, internalizing again. I was safe alone…
“Stay tuned for why keeping things locked up is not healthy.”
♡ I share, because I care.
Taina Rose
