This journey has led me to the place I am in now. I will be paroling very soon, and I will have the opportunity to utilize all the programs and support afforded to me. I am determined to create a better future this time around.
My life story begins with my parents’ divorce, due to my mother’s cheating, leaving my younger brother and me victims of molestation by our mother’s brother. That really screwed with my head. I was only nine, I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and insecure. I didn’t understand why this happened to us and was too scared to tell anyone, convinced that no one would believe us. As a result, I buried this painful secret, unaware of the damage it was inflicting on me.
Without seeking help, I became aggressive, constantly trying to prove myself. At 15, in a misguided attempt to impress my friends, who were gang members, I attempted to take someone’s life. I was caught and sent to the California Youth Authority, where I was surrounded by others who had similar issues. We perpetuated a cycle of proving ourselves through toughness and violence, creating more victims and compounding our own trauma.
I eventually got out at 21 and went about life as I had grown to believe a man is supposed to, distorted ideals of masculinity I had internalized. I held a job but clung to the gang lifestyle and the negativity it brought, which led me back to prison.
It got real my first term. I found myself in the Security Housing Unit for doing what my gang expected of me, accumulating a record of assaults, assaults with deadly weapons, and multiple firearm charges—all while trying to embody a flawed version of manhood.
I had two serious relationships. In the first, I had a son whom I neglected, ultimately ruining that relationship. In the second, I had two more sons with an amazing woman who was a dedicated mother. Unfortunately, here I am again, back in prison for being a felon in possession of a firearm.
However, this time, I am fortunate to be in a good prison with lots of programs that have enabled me to work on bettering myself. I was able to break everything down and build myself back up, realizing all the trauma I had acquired and caused. This journey has led me to the place I am in now. I will be paroling very soon, and I will have the opportunity to utilize all the programs and support afforded to me. I am determined to create a better future this time around.
