Ivie, 55
Ivie, 55

Meet Ivie…

It’s a whole lot easier to forgive others than to forgive oneself.

Housed: Bedford Hills, New York

I am incarcerated for the death of two human beings. But in my heart I carry the loss and taking of three lives. That’s been really hard. The  two men I’m in prison for  died because of me, and I am also carrying the guilt and shame for taking my younger brother’s life. A saint in my mother’s eyes. Her baby. A little angel who could do no wrong in her mind, and who sadly and unfortunately, is also my co-defendant. In her eyes, I could see the death of a thousand little cuts bleeding out her soul on the visiting room floor. I too died over and over again. He was only 17 years and will soon be 45.  It’s been pure agony alone learning to live with it all. No one should have died. Period. Can you fathom the difficulty in saying, I forgive myself? Am I not in touch with the truth of my divine nature for feeling the futility of self-forgiveness. The most difficult thing is learning to forgive myself. It’s a whole lot easier to forgive others than to forgive oneself.  I will be an unsung hero, humble when I capture self-forgiveness.

Self-Forgiveness is a work in progress

It takes a strong person to stand and live

With the burden of a sin, a regret, a remorse and not hide

Learning to live with your faults before forgiving yourself

Will light your torch for the long haul 

It’s in the very learning of our faults that we find freedom

It’s avoiding them that’s in deservance of no credence.

 

For me redemption is achieved by becoming stronger with taking 

Ownership of my responsibility and so, I aim at redemption

With passionate high hopes

Heartstrings of self-forgiveness will begin to unfold’

This still partially lost and struggling soul.

 

To the core of my entire being

In all truth where truth is true unfailingly

I do genuinely feel deeply sorry

For the faithfully departed

I drown inside of sorrow 

A river of tears through my veins once rotted

A Darwinian will save today and tomorrow 

To never again be unguarded

 

I know I’m a child of God

I know He’s in my life

Perhaps that’s why

I can still: live, laugh, and love

I still can’t say I forgive myself!

Being contrite with an innocent blindness

I seek love and kindness

 

I’m sure I’ll create a dent with

Self-forgiveness once he’s a free man

It’s all God’s plan

A written dealt hand

The purpose of my life is to use the fruit of my karma

As a bed of opportunity to pass the buck forward

And help those he puts in my path

I’m sorry mom won’t be able to see it

For she as well has gone off to the promised land

But heaven has eyes too

 

There’s a myriad of emotions here

The manifold of their feelings

Outline spiritual warfare

Still, love over fear

Is there a soul who really cares 

I seek  a stone thrower who cannot bear forgiving me

 

Hidden guilt festers, admission heals, the Salvation of a soul is the greatest victory imaginable

To love is to forgive, therefore tangible.

 

God created me to be “Love” 

In my heart, in my mind, in the still & tranquil

Core of my being, lies everything I have been

Seeking to remember a course in miracles.

Time is the present essence. 

If I could only turn back time

Periods that I could do over again

I’d turn back time.

Heaven sent

I repent.

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