Keith, 52

My Mother’s Abuser

October 6 2018
By Keith

As a child my mother’s boyfriend made my brother and I stay in the back bedroom of his trailer all day and night. We were allowed to bathe and use the toilet and our mother was allowed to feed us and say goodnight.

Many times we heard her screaming out in pain as her boyfriend beat her. After what seemed like a lifetime, she finally got away from him.

To this day, I still have a vivid memory of how badly I wanted to break his legs as my mother screamed out in pain.

But what can a five year old child do?

I honestly believe hearing what I heard played a huge part in turning me into the violent man I became.

When it comes to the male gender, it takes very little to turn me into a demon.

My history speaks for itself.

My advice to all women is to always take your time in any relationship with a man. Don’t let good looks, charm and a good sense of humor blind you. Take your time.

Man is the most barbaric and violent creature on the planet.

And the one thing that could change I will never experience again.

Hate and violence is all my heart knows.

The Thousand Word Solutions

I wrote this in 2013 before the depression hit me real hard. Quite a few typos. Not my error.

August of 1992 I took an innocent life. I was the number one suspect but never charged. In August 1993 I committed the same horrible crime. Ten days after my 19th birthday I was thrown in jail subsequently receiving life plus 40 years. If I am never released and live to be 100 years old I will spend 81 years of my life incarcerated.

As difficult as this is for me to accept, my deepest regret will always remain to be the fact that my actions and decisions took two innocent lives and cost their loved ones and mine unbearable pain and destroyed everyone’s lives involved. I cannot change what I have done and nothing or no one could punish me as my conscience has done.

Several years I spent thinking about my mistakes and what led to them. The fact is that had I not abused drugs and rebelled against my father’s rules and the laws of society I would never have committed these horrible crimes.

I completely understand that innocent people end up in prison and are even put to death but I also understand the best chance any of us have at staying out of prison is by not breaking the law.

When we choose to sell drugs and rob people it is because we would rather make a lot of quick and easy money. If I were released from prison and was unable to find anyone willing to hire me I would cut grass, trim bushes, rake leaves, shovel snow and collect aluminum. Every legal odd job I could find I would do with pride.

Most everyone who has never committed a crime has worked extremely hard for what they wanted in life. They did not steal and sell drugs.

In the 19 years of my incarceration I have witnessed numerous criminals coming straight back to prison or hear about them becoming victims of gang violence and their mentalities never changed. Gang banging and drugs were and still are their way of life.

If we decide to continue down the same path that placed us in prison in the first place common sense should tell us prison is where we will spend our lives.

We could either spend our time talking to our homies about nothing and singing songs or we could put our mind to work and figure out how to change our life.

To spend 24 hours a day confined within this prison cell and never accomplish anything productive and positive is pathetic.

If we cannot change on our own how can we blame anyone other than ourselves for our failures.

It is completely up to us to change.

Nothing could convince me that the majority of fellow inmates are waiting for someone to come show them how to change.

During my time incarcerated I have certainly had more downs than ups but as a failure I always keep in mind that champions are not those who never fail. They are those who never quit.

Although I might die in prison I still focus on freedom and my future.

Everything that I have learned I am proud to admit I am self taught.

I did not make excuses with no real desire to change and learn.

There are a number of different resources with the tools to teach. The chaplain, prison library, free bookstores. One only needs to be willing to order the right books and study them.

Not the books full of poison teaching hate hypocrisy and bogus conspiracy theories.

People do live productive lives after being released from prison. Those people possess the desire to change and learn.

I struggled with drug addiction and mental health issues the first several years of my incarceration but overcame them.

In that time I have written several prison stories and have an awesome portfolio of Gothic Pagan art I hope to one day publish.

I also have three computer business ideas completely laid out and ready to go. All I am missing is the computer.

I also know I could pass the CDL exam with flying colors and I continue looking for the love of my life.

I cannot explain in a thousand words how the governor can solve this problem.

However gangs drugs and terrible work ethics are the problem.

We as criminals could change our fate with the desire to change.

We are criminals because we broke the law and if we continue to break the law we will continue to serve time in prison.

Putting it bluntly the majority find it easier to steal sell drugs and come to prison than to cut grass trim bushes rake leaves and shovel snow.

Prison should be a place where we want to change not where we gamble do drugs gang bang and complain because nobody is showing us how to live positive and productive lives.

Those of you who have chosen the gang bangers lifestyle or a life of crime and are only serving a short time in prison take a moment and imagine yourself spending 81 years of your life in a prison cell.

I will probably never wrap my arms around a woman again. Never make her laugh and smile. Never lie in bed with her make love to her and never enjoy life together.

And I am man enough to admit it hurts and the mistakes are my own.

I believe it should be understood that every privilege we lost we lost because we abused it.

It is entirely up to us to change and stop blaming others for our behaviors.

The Real Issue

While I sit alone within the confines of this 6 by 9 prison cell it is mind boggling to listen to fellow inmates complain about the quality and quantity of food the hardness of both the pillow and mattress commissary prices or how many photos and magazines they are allowed to have.

I have only three complaints.

The noise fellow inmates make day and night without any respect for those trying to sleep.

The attitudes of fellow inmates as if life and prison are just a game.

But most importantly the emptiness I feel within without the love and compassion of a woman.

The emptiness that comes from not being able to spend the night with my arms wrapped around the woman I love.

If it were not for the love and compassion of a woman man would never become civil.

To strip man from the most important influence in his life is beyond cruel and unusual to me.

I refuse to sugar coat what I witness within these walls on a daily basis.

This is the real issue.

Prison or Her

Each day that passes we are all one day closer to death.

Each day that passes are days we will never get back.

Each day spent in prison is another day without freedom.

I will spend the rest of my life in prison because I made the decision to use the drugs I used.

Had it not been for that I would not have lost my mind and committed the crimes I committed.

Is this really what you want for your life.

It is your decision. Nobody else’s.

Without Her I Am Nothing

25 years I have spent alone confined within this madness called prison.

25 years I have spent without a woman to hold and love and the pain is unbearable.

I have been sentenced to die in a place that feeds off hate and violence.

Without her I am nothing.

I honestly understand how people feel about the crimes I have committed.

I awake and fall asleep knowing what I have done.

I have not held or kissed a woman in 25 years.

And I am man enough to admit it hurts.