After turning 19 in prison, I was sick of trying to understand the wrongs I was witnessing. So I cut my throat on both sides so deep that I blacked out.
Michael, 43
Incarcerated: 14 yrs
Housed: Alfred D. Hughes Unit, Gatesville, Texas
Months after turning 19 in prison, I was sick of trying to understand the wrongs I was witnessing. So I cut my throat on both sides so deep that I blacked out. By some miracle, I was barely breathing when they found me. After getting 16 stitches on both sides of my neck, I was sent for a mental evaluation. Back at my unit, I wanted to cry. Iโve never been suicidal! Looking at myself in a mirror, I realized I needed help. Iโve been raised up in the church, and that never got my attention. Iโve had homeboys and money, but still got into trouble. There were girlfriends in my life, but still something wasnโt right. Iโve gangbanged, been to parties and clubs, yet still Iโve had no peace. Iโve talked to doctors and counselors, still nothing good connected. Coming to prison, Iโve tried Islam, and my heart still felt troubled. Itโs like Iโve done it all, and yet, nothing helps. In my desperate time of need, I felt hopeless.
Suddenly I felt an urge to pray. I didnโt know why, praying never done anything for me before. However, this urge seemed different. I fell to my knees in the middle of that cell and said, โIf thereโs really a God of all things, then I ask you Almighty God to help me understand the good and evil Iโm going through, and I will give my life to you.โ After saying amen, I got up not expecting anything to happen. Looking around my cell for some entertainment, my eyes landed on the Holy Bible and something led me to pick it up. I donโt know why, because I could barely read it. Iโve never understood it before. After picking it up, it fell open and I couldnโt believe what I was seeing โ there was a small image of a lightning display. It was just hovering between the pages. I assumed I was just hallucinating. So I closed my eyes and reopened them, and sure enough, it was still there. Thatโs when a notion came over me to attempt to touch it. So I led my left finger towards it in the hopes of feeling it, but to my surprise, it began to fade away. The urge came over me to go to the beginning of the Bible where I was led to read Genesis chapter one, two, and stopped at three. I hadnโt noticed how easy it was for me to read it as Iโve never done before until that moment. It truly scared me wondrously. My body didnโt feel the same. Something was happening.
I began to pray a new prayer. I said, โIn Jesusโ name I pray, if you are real, then Iโm asking you to help me beat my charges Iโm indicted with. If you let me go home, I ask that you give me a son whom I will give to you. If you allow me to have a wife, please allow her to be someone you would come for, donโt let her be someone to impress the world with, and please let her believe in you. Then, give me a sign to know itโs her because I donโt want to be confused! Let our love join us together and take her away from the undeserving pain sheโs receiving from perhaps her family, friends, or loved ones. In your mighty name I pray, Amen. I made it home. My brother Eric hooked me up with this Black girl days later. She became pregnant with my child, and we set a day to get married. But she went against the agreement once that day arrived, so I broke off from her, and told her Iโd be there for my son when he arrived, but I couldnโt stand her lies. Days later, I met this Mexican chick who just out of nowhere came up to me and said, โI think youโd like my homegirl Scooter.โ But she didnโt tell me what she looked like, or give me her number. Then she walked away. I didnโt dwell too much on it at the time. But three days later, I met a girl at my auntโs place, and that whisper said, โSheโs the one.โ Me and the girl fell in love, then later I realized her a.k.a. was Scooter. The name was Godโs sign to me. Then I found out that sheโs not being loved by her family on her momโs side, because her mom was full Mexican and her dad was a White guy. Scooter was only five years old when somebody in her family pushed her mom in front of a car and killed her because they were mad at her being with a White guy. It was hard for me to believe this at first until I met her family. Before, Scooter had told me how her Mexican grandmother had taken her into custody along with her two sisters and brother. She was not completely loved due to her being mixed. She said her grandmother allowed her momโs brother to molest her. Then she told me that we had to elope if we wanted to get married. So we did! After getting married and God showed me he was behind our union, and finding out that she believed in Christ, I told her I was gonna take care of her problems, but she didnโt want me to go back to prison.
Now Iโm doing 60 years. Sadly, Scooter is no longer with me, she has passed away due to being brokenhearted. My family thinks someone killed her, or perhaps she killed herself. And Iโm wondering if Iโll ever know the truth.