Minh, 37

At 12 years old, with a bleeding heart, I find myself in a park, lost with nowhere else to go.

A chilly December night freeze bites deep within my soul. I lie here on a playground slide, gazing up at empty blackness, the lonely sky staring back at me. I bundle up with layers of clothing, yet can’t seem to shake the midnight cold. My thoughts feed the monster that boils beneath the surface, the fear and dread of an unsafe world. How did I end up here?

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. The sticks I can stand, the blows I can bear; they heal. However, the words cut deeper, with scars that never mend. “No one WANTS YOU HERE!” my auntie shouts. I rummage for courage to finally leave. Free as a bird, I run and run. I load my bags with hopes and dreams. On a bike I pedal, not peeking back. Into the night I disappear.

Here seems like a great place to lie and wait. I begin to ponder about life’s unknowns. The fear creeps up my spine. The words resurface like a thousand cuts. Hate rages on and on. I’m exhausted of running and running. I’m drowning with bruises and scars. Hopelessness begins to settle. What happens if I die tonight?

If I Die Tonight

If I die tonight, will anyone mourn me?
A ceaseless wave of sadness that I can’t seem to shake.
A constant ache that doesn’t fade away.
I run and run, and can’t stop running.

If I die tonight, will they miss me?
Words cut deeper than blows upon pale of faces.
A wildfire of hate that rages and rages.
I run and run, but I’m tired of running.

If I die tonight, no one will grieve me.

A Place for Me

In front of my house, there sits a cherry tree. High up in the branches, a place of sanctuary.
Legs dangling carelessly. It’s the place I sit, where I’m most at ease, a place of joy, my place of peace.
When I’m afraid or feeling alone, up I climb, away from reality.
This is my place of safety… a place for me.
Now close your eyes. Think back. Is there a place for you?
The place you hide when chaos reigns. A place of warmth, where birds sing and chirp.
The place of happiness, where nothing hurts. A place for you, and only you.

I find myself locked in a dark closet many nights as a kid, laying there, heart fluttering a hundred miles per hour, feeling afraid and alone. Walls rapidly closing in, darkness slowly engulfs. The silence is deafening, only sounds of whimpering as I cry myself to sleep. I dream a dream of a beautiful cherry tree, which sits in front of a home where my parents and I used to live.

My parents’ fights are always loud and violent. Like howler monkeys, they scream and scream. Daddy’s head is about to explode. Mommy goes flying across the room. “STOP IT, DADDY!” I scream. I run to her to see if she’s OK. I’m scared and afraid with heart pounding fear, because I know what comes after. I’ll be next if I don’t run fast enough. I rabbit out and up to my place of safety, high in the branches of our cherry tree.

30 years later, at the age of 36, I still find myself at times laying here in a dark cell, heart fluttering, feeling afraid and alone. Flashbacks after flashbacks, with knots in my stomach. I gently close my eyes and slowly drift back, back high up in that cherry tree, where the troubles of life fade away, where it’s quiet and peaceful. A place, just for me.

The Little Boy in Me

Within me lives a little boy. He screams in silence
for a mother’s hug.
He cries and cries, but no one hears. Alone he sits,
surrounded by empty chairs.
“Why does no one care?” the little boy asks.
Gut wrenching fear, a nightmare that never passes.

Within me lives a little boy. Adrift in an endless
wasteland, he thirsts for Love.
He pleads and pleads, but no one heeds.
Shrouded in blackness, his humanity bleeds.

This boy in me, he learns how to hate.
He vows revenge, to take and take.
He hurt those he hates. He hurt those he loves.
Never again will the boy trust.
Never again will I cry out. Alone I hide, I need no one else.
Never again will I show fear. Submerge it deep,
and let no one near.

In me, this boy still lives…
wallowing and waiting to one day be loved.

Years later, on my journey of self-discovery, I eventually found that scared little boy within me. He lived behind many walls and mazes, afraid of human contact. Years disconnected from love, he forgot how to feel. I began by sitting with him… I let him know he is not alone, and that he is loved by me, that he is truly good, regardless of what people told him his whole life. I watch as this scared boy cries tears of joy for the first time, just from words of affirmation.

“Life isn’t fair; however, I’ll be here to walk it with you. Though Mom and Dad abandoned you, it wasn’t your fault. I know you are angry, and that’s okay. You must not let that anger consume you, or you’ll burn your world down. I am here… Let me help you. I know everything feels unsafe right now, but it will soon pass. I know you can’t understand why people beat you. I can’t understand it either, but not everyone will hurt you. There are people in this world willing to help, if you would only let them in.”

“I see you tried to fill that void with so called friends and fleeting lust. That hole in your heart cannot be satisfied with external things. Numbing the pain does not make it go away. Ignoring it will just make things worse. There will be many dark days you must go through. I will always be there by your side… and… remember, I will always Love you.”

Today, that little boy in me is safe, thriving, and loved. I know I am good, kind, and compassionate. I am caring and loving. I am NOT my worst mistake. I am a flawed human being, but are not all human beings flawed? Is it not what makes us human? How many little boys and girls are still hiding out there, lost and alone, yearning to be hugged? I hope anyone hurting can find that child within. It’s not easy; self-reflection never is. The journey is long and difficult. However, I can promise you the journey is worth traveling, and you never have to go at it alone. Today, I look in awe and wonder at that little boy in me, scars and all, each one beautiful. He is still able to laugh with joy, and it’s because he knows he’s loved.

Minh