I am worthy. I am a college graduate. I am a substance use disorder counselor, a youth diversion and youth offender mentor, a healer, a leader in my community, a friend, and a light in the darkness.
I grew up with parents who were children themselves. For as long as I can remember, my father was in and out of prison, so I normalized gun towers and barbed wire fences. My mother was a beautiful, strong woman—a hustler for sure. When my father was home, it wasn’t always pretty. There was a lot of drugs, alcohol, and violence. Growing up in that environment, I was taught time and again that men don’t cry. It’s a cold world, and you have to be strong. I stopped smiling around five years old. That smile was replaced by a frown, and later, life and the world taught me that it was a cold, ugly place.
My young heart grew cold and callous, and I stayed in a perpetual state of hyper-vigilance—survival mode. When my brother Manuel was killed in a drive-by, and years later, my father was murdered over drugs, something inside me died too. The innocence and good in me vanished, leaving me numb, hurt, broken, and alone in a cold world. I found refuge in a bottle and on the streets, grinding. I was no longer the innocent little boy I used to be. My protective mask was securely in place. These beliefs and attitudes would eventually lead me down a path of self-destruction and incarceration.
Looking back, I realize I was imprisoned long before any judge sentenced me. I wasn’t born bad, stupid, useless, or ugly—those labels were given to me by those who were supposed to love and protect me. Later, society placed other labels on me: gangster, drug dealer, felon, convict, and menace to society. Prison only reinforced those warped beliefs. This 8×12 hole in the wall became my home for the next 20 years, existing as just another number in a sea of lost souls. That was unacceptable to me.
I wanted to change, but how? They say rehabilitation means restoring something or someone to a healthy condition. But I was never habilitated. I grew up normalizing criminality and violence. So I began a journey of self-discovery, searching for the answers to the why’s of my life. Beneath all my anger, I had to face the demons and pains of my past. I had to learn to forgive those who harmed me, and most importantly, I had to learn to forgive myself. I had to accept the truth and own everything I’d ever done bad in life. No more blaming others, no more excuses or rationalizations for harming others. I had to hold myself accountable. It wasn’t easy, and it took years, but it led to my recovery.
Today, I’m still labeled, but these labels now have purpose and positive meaning. I am worthy. I am a college graduate. I am a substance use disorder counselor, a youth diversion and youth offender mentor, a healer, a leader in my community, a friend, and a light in the darkness.
I was also able to reconnect with Little Ruben and tell him it’s okay to smile. I found my smile, y’all.
