Audra, 53

Audra, 53

Audra, 53

Meet Audra…

My mistakes and crimes do not define me, my hurt no longer controls me.

Audra, 53
Incarcerated: 13 years
Housed: Central California Women’s Facility, Chowchilla

In my childhood dreams, I wanted to be a police officer so bad, in order to help people. Then with his dirty touch my dreams become nightmares. These things were seen but not seen, heard but not heard. As a young girl my soul was broken. My dreams and trust were consumed by fear, so my voice was no more. Anger and hate replaced my innocence. My granny tried, she cried, and prayed to my uncles to protect me, but the damage was done. I trusted no one, so I ran straight to her arms. I was seeking a mother figure or friend, but found my lover instead. Too young to understand, I was used, fooled by the pretty red painted dirty hands. I ran into many dead ends, then drugs came in. It was pure hell as a young girl. The money grind became my life, I was a hustler by nature, so fast, it kept me blinded.

For my lifestyle, my children paid the price, life in prison, twice. In here, the lion’s den, I began my destructive cycle, running, gaming and manipulating, only to pretend we were family and friends, just to fit in. As a young, broken, lost and damaged mother, how was I to provide from behind bars? It was just so hard, so now that is granny’s job. My soul had long ago died, 25 to life could break the broken. I thought I was too far gone to be helped, my hustle was grand, it could buy my freedom, but it couldn’t fix the pain. When death seemed like the win, I succumbed to seventy five Tylenol codines, chasing my end, to the peace I wanted more than anything. I heard the chaplain say, “Seek and ye shall find, He is the way, the truth and the light.”  So I gave God a try, and I put up a great fight. I lost, He won and a relationship began. I was blinded but now I see, lost but now I’m found, broken but now I’m healed. Once there was no hope, but today I am full of hope. My life is now enriched because of his grace and mercy. His love within me is never ending. My mistakes and crimes do not define me, my hurt no longer controls me. Though I was judged by man, I was saved by grace. The world sees me as nothing, but I know I’m a bride of Christ, heir to the most high.

Michael, 41

Michael, 41

humans_michael_202308_valleystateprison_3

Meet Michael…

My name is Michael, I breathe air and I am not a monster. Thank you for giving me a face, a voice, and for seeing me as a person.

Michael, 41
Incarcerated: 23 years
Housed: Valley State Prison, Chowchilla, CA

Growing up in a poor household I can remember being different, sounding different, and feeling like I didn’t fit in. I came to learn I had a learning disability and stuttered. I felt less than, devalued and worthless. I was made fun of in my household, and with my classmates which reinforced my bad feelings about myself. I could not read, nor learn as the teachers wanted me to, so I acted out and became the bully, so I would not be bullied.

I began to use drugs to cover up my feelings of worthlessness, insecurities, and inadequance. My addiction progressed from pot, alcohol, to mushrooms then acid. By 15, I had been in juvenile hall and a boys ranch numerous times until I committed my life crime at 18. I was an out of control, extremely calloused and violent young man. While incarcerated from a young age with an extreme sentence, I continued my dysfunction in a maximum security prison. I had deflections and an aggressive attitude.

Ten years into my sentence I was stabbed eight times and removed from the yard for surrendering my life to my faith of Jesus Christ. I was shipped to another prison with more programs, self-help groups, and education. My mother passed away from her addiction, my life was in shambles, but I had my faith. I leaned on my support and coped in a healthy way. It was my first test in recovery and I passed. My job wanted me to get a high school diploma, and I barely knew how to read.

I was transferred to a new prison and met Ms. Drake, who saw potential in me. “I’ll hire you as a clerk, if you give me your word you’ll get your diploma.” This was the first time in years someone believed in me. I agreed. She helped me, gave me reading materials, taught me math, and assigned me a tutor. I poured all my time and energy into studying. I passed my test. Ms. Drake was proud of me and so was I. She said, “off to college now”.

One day a student rushed into the education department wanting to stab Ms. Drake. I intervened and placed myself in between them and deescalated the situation by using calm words and listening to his frustration, while protecting her. The officers came and took him away. I had protected another human being. I got a life saving certificate which could take time off my sentence or help in my parole board hearing.

My life began to get some normality. I continued my education, and my ministry and I started facilitating self-help groups. I will graduate in 2024 from Fresno State University with a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Studies. Today I live my life as a memorial to my victims. My life is for service and giving back to my gated community. I hope and teach that one less crime equals one less victim. I honor God by living a sober life that praises Him with my words, actions, and service. I am a human that is kind, respectable, calm, loving, caring, and compassionate.

My name is Michael, I breathe air and I am not a monster. Thank you for giving me a face, a voice, and for seeing me as a person. God bless you.

Kareem, 44

Kareem, 44

Meet Kareem…

Not only did he die, but for several years I blamed him, embracing the false narrative that I was the victim, victimized by society, the system, the mothers of my children, and especially Mr. Sullivan (R.I.P.) who I perceived to be a threat.

Kareem, 44
Incarcerated: 14 years
Housed: Sing Sing, Ossining, New York

At 17, I began a seven year sentence for a robbery I committed with another. I had all intention to stay out of trouble. However, the concepts of introspection and unprocessed trauma escaped me. I eventually succumbed to my shortcomings, especially the unfamiliar pressure of an adult childbearing relationship, in addition to being laid off. I lost my way and got back in ‘the game.’ This rebirth led to a new relationship where I created a new stream of income, and a new child. My hustle attracted problems which made me believe I needed a gun. This fear enabled me to shoot a brother without considering the possibility of taking his life. Not only did he die, but for several years I blamed him, embracing the false narrative that I was the victim, victimized by society, the system, the mothers of my children, and especially Mr. Sullivan (R.I.P.) who I perceived to be a threat. As I sought ways to legally justify my narrative, the law library became a refuge. And, having been employed, and having the experience of fatherhood, did provide me with a level of intellectual resistance to embracing prison culture in its totality. Unbeknownst to me, my legal research, although misguided, made me an avid reader. I became inquisitive about my own issues. I read self-help books on healing, therapy, forgiveness and mindfulness in pursuit of letting go of the anger for my daughter’s mother, who had someone else’s child, while we were married.

I discovered my own insecurities, excuses, and ideologies that impeded my accountability and emotional maturity. This sparked an awakening that I am solely responsible for all of this mess. As painful as that level of acceptance was, it enabled me to transcend the counter-productive perspectives that clouded my rationale. And since then, there’s been an accumulation of what Superintendent M. Capra calls ‘God moments’ that led to the man I am proud to be today. My academic ambition and positivity has paved the way to achieving an associate degree in Science and I am currently working on my bachelors degree and a financial literacy correspondence course and a host of other certificates. In all of my classes, we acknowledge our shared humanity, we engage in discussions about restorative justice, community, and accountability. The impact of these discussions cannot be quantified. Words have power and the sincerity in our dialogue always dismantles the levees, ushering in a deluge of tears that nourishes the collective spirit of the room. No matter how dark prison can be, I stand as a beacon serving my fellow incarcerated individuals along this journey where my family is the North Star. I have been remarried since 2017, with a blended family of six children between my wife and I. We participate in the Family Reunion Program (FRP) which enables us to spend two days together in an apartment unit once every few months. I am scheduled to see the parole board in 2033, however I have submitted a petition to the Governor of NY for executive clemency, in which I am thankful for the support I received from friends, family, and organizations.

Rolando, 37

Rolando, 37

Meet Rolando…

I’m working on furthering my education. I am also in self help groups to better myself and to find my way out of prison.

Rolando, 37
Incarcerated: 18 years
Housed: Valley State Prison, Chowchilla, CA

I’m in prison on a murder charge. I like to stay busy and out of trouble. I love to play soccer and listen to reggae, oldies and rap. My favorite movies: Fast and the Furious, Titanic and Twilight. I like to cut people’s hair.

When I started my time, I didn’t know anything about prison. One day, I was standing next to three people fighting in the yard. When the officer came to separate them, he thought I was fighting too. I told him I had nothing to do with it, I saw a commotion and walked away. He then asked the officer in the tower what he saw, he said I had nothing to do with it. That was one of the scariest incidents I’ve been through. Another time an officer dropped something while talking to a sergeant. I waited for him to finish talking, and told him he had dropped something and that he could get in trouble. He was proud of me, because he said there are not too many people like me. He told me to keep up the good work. I felt proud. I’m working on furthering my education. I am also in self help groups to better myself and to find my way out of prison.

Jon, 42

Jon, 42

Meet Jon…

In a place known for death and destruction, I found life and meaning. Along the way I have found my voice and discovered my academic abilities that are now leading me towards a whole new future.

Jon, 42
Incarcerated: 6 years
Housed: San Quentin State Prison

This photo means everything to me, my mom is my biggest support, love and motivation. She lives in Mexico but comes and visits, and also brings my son. I am sharing with HoSQ to give back and hopefully share some smiles, positivity, and inspire others. Never give up! With patience and peace good things will find you. You are worth it. 

“Quentin Crumbles”

Walls crumble like hourglass sands, 

Time melts away desperate past love, 

Lost hugs of Mother, Father, Brother, Son. 

Breaking the hearts of chained memories, 

Bars hold me behind the day’s light. 

My soul free to roam in only dreams, 

Reality what can be once was will always, 

Remain hidden seeking to find meaning. 

Solar views under darkened skies, 

stars diluted in light polluted pain, 

Planets below moon beam Horizons, 

Setting mountains of hate filled minds, 

dissolving into walls of truths forgiveness, 

controlled but never held back, 

steps etched in sand filled shoes blowing through. 

Beaches of crumbled walls and broken chains

as Quentin crumbles.

I am in San Quentin somewhere I never imagined life would lead me. In a place known for death and destruction, I found life and meaning. Along the way I have found my voice and discovered my academic abilities that are now leading me towards a whole new future. I found passion in psychology and self-help. Prison gave me a chance to take inventory and change things about my life I have always been less than proud of. 

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