My life has been full of ups and downs, but today I know I’m living in the mercy of God.
My name is Jelani and I am human. I say this with pride because my past actions didn’t always reflect my humanity. I didn’t see myself as a monster, but I did monstrous things. Finding my humanity wasn’t easy—it took years of stumbling forward, learning, and growing. That journey is what brought me to share my story with Humans of San Quentin.
My life has been full of ups and downs, but today I know I’m living in the mercy of God. Without His grace, I wouldn’t have the strength to write this or live the life I’m living now. My journey back to myself started with the kindness of an incredible woman named Cynthia. She loved me at a time in my life when I felt completely broken. Her compassion helped me realize that love can heal even the deepest wounds. I often think about this: How do we learn empathy if no one shows it to us first? For me, empathy came through being loved during the worst moments of my life.
A Journey of Change
Prison has been a place of transformation for me. I had to let go of the unhealthy parts of myself and replace them with better habits, thoughts, and choices. I’ve learned that remorse isn’t just about feeling sorry—it’s about becoming better because of it. At first, I thought I had taken full responsibility for my crimes when I wrote letters to my victims, apologizing for the pain I caused. But it wasn’t until I joined a victim awareness group that I truly understood the impact of my actions. In the group, a survivor named Shannon shared her story. She talked about how her life was forever changed after someone assaulted her. She used a blank sheet of paper to explain—her life was smooth and whole before the trauma, but when she crumpled the paper up, it represented how broken she felt afterward. She tried to flatten the paper again, but it would never be the same. Watching her struggle to explain her pain was a wake-up call for me. I realized then that I had to commit to change—not just for myself but for the people I’ve hurt.
The People Who Lift Me Up
So many people have helped me along the way. One of the most important is Chris, a woman I call “Mom.” I met her in 2003 through a prison pen pal program, and she’s been by my side ever since. She’s shown me unconditional love and has supported me through everything, even when I felt like I didn’t deserve it. One of the hardest moments of my journey was on June 1, 2021. I had a setback involving an indecent exposure incident. This was a moment that forced me to face the parts of myself I hadn’t fully dealt with yet. At first, I denied my responsibility and even blamed others. But Chris didn’t give up on me. She wrote me letter after letter, reminding me, “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Jelani.” Those words gave me the strength to confront my issues and start working on them.
A New Beginning
Since that day, my life has changed for the better. Some doors closed, but new ones opened—better ones. I’ve built relationships with people who inspire me, tackled problems I didn’t even know I had, and tried new things, like cooking at a barbecue for the first time. I’m also on track to become the first person in my family to graduate from college. I’ve made terrible choices in the past, but the fact that I’m able to share my story today shows that even the worst mistakes can lead to something good. My transformation is my way of showing accountability and honoring the people I’ve hurt. It’s not a burden—it’s a gift of grace and mercy.
Empathy as a Way Forward
I believe that empathy grows when we experience it ourselves. My life now is about becoming a better person every day and showing others that change is possible.
A Snapshot of My Life
Siblings: Three
Family: Big and loving
Future: In God’s hands
Parole Opportunity: 2025
For the Survivors of My Actions: My life is my apology and commitment to change.
