Adriel, 43

Meet Adriel, (updated 01.27.22)

“I knew by the age of 5 that I was born in the wrong body. But I couldn’t tell that to my parents, because the machismo was running rampant in my home. If you were born a boy, you acted like a boy.”.

My name is Adriel Ramirez. I am one of the Transwomen here at San Quentin, I am 43 ½ years old and a Taurus. I am Spanish, French and Yaqui Indian.

I knew by the age of 5 that I was born in the wrong body. But I couldn’t tell that to my parents, because the machismo was running rampant in my home. You were born a boy, you will act like a boy. Yeah  right, like that was going to be easy. I was waaay too flamboyant for my own good. Luckily for me my family thought I was going through a phase.

It was difficult growing up in a household where you couldn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to someone. So I had to bottle up all my emotions. Later in life would end so well.

I loved going to church as a kid, and even now I enjoy going to church. But due to COVID that is not possible at the moment. And recently I found out that services would be getting back in motion late March, early April. So I am looking forward to going again because a year without was just driving me crazy. Church is where I find my solitude. I find answers to questions that I have had over the years. For instance my transition, I pray to God day and night concerning my inner feelings about who I am.

Then one day I just decided that I am going to be straightforward with God. I said, “God you know what is in my heart and many would want to know the same thing. But this is what I am asking of you. If I am walking in your will let the hormones that are begun in me work to make the changes to my body. If not your will then the hormones won’t have their effect on me. I just don’t like that I am holding back from the growth that needs to be done. I just need that inner peace so I can play the piano better and sing better and play the drums better than what I am doing now.”

So after that prayer my body after a month was making its changes. My diabetes was under control and my blood pressure has gotten better, I started feeling a whole lot better. I started feeling like the woman I should be. My focus at church improved, including playing the instruments and singing. To the point that hair was starting to sprout at the bald spot on my head. I couldn’t believe it, that God heard my prayer.

Now the one thing that I know that would be a surprise to my family is that I am becoming the woman that they thought was just a phase. Also they would see the change in the way I think and act, just what I think about life overall. They might not understand it at first but then who knows where their thoughts of me will be later. I just know that I have changed a lot from the person that I used to be. I am a lot more compassionate, affectionate, empathetic, kinder, friendly, loyal and trustworthy to those around me. My talents have become better as time goes by and it’s only going to get better

12.24.21

Hello Fam,

It has been a while since I wrote last. I have been dealing with Covid-19 issues, since after I contracted it. I am starting to have the effects of the after. I almost died in the beginning of the year, 2021. My heart was slowly on the way of stopping. The doctors told me if I have not come in at the time that I did to have my heart checked I would have eventually passed away at work, slumped over or died in my sleep in my cell. It was the most scariest news that I ever received from anyone, but in some way I was kind of ready to go to the afterlife, because I was tired and I really wanted to see my parents again.

They did a procedure on me where they checked to see if there were any clogs in the veins or the arteries around my heart. When they didn’t find none they performed a procedure called an Oblation. I have come to find out that there was tissue formed around some of the veins on my heart that were constricting my heart from pumping enough blood. They burned off the tissue in order that my heart would be able to pump blood without any restriction.

The doctors informed me that it was due to stress and being overweight. But who can blame me when I was stressing behind Covid-19. Not knowing if I was going to survive it or if I will ever get a chance to parole and experience life. I have been incarcerated since I was eighteen and am now 44. So my whole life was spent here. So now that Covid is here there is no assurance that I would get out. But I am hoping things will change for me.

The one thing I can say that has brought a smile to my face before this year is over with. I have started my reassignment surgery process. I thought about it for a very long time and I have decided to start my process. I did want to lose the chance of becoming the woman that I was meant to be. There are no assurances that the board of parole hearings will let me go, because it is excuse upon excuse that they don’t want to let me go. I am just glad that I am able to tell people of my decision because it is very special to me. I couldn’t tell my sister because I know what her thoughts would be and probably she would exile me for good.

I have lost a few friends because of my decision, most of them from church that I attend when I was outside. My friend outside is Kristen Ming from Oakland, shoutout Girl!! And I have made a family of my own here. I have 2 trans daughters and 4 boys that are my sons, a niece, grandson and 4 sisters. I love each and every one. Hopefully I will be able to send a family picture so you can see my blessings.

Sincerely,

Adriel