I met people who had no reason to care about me, yet they did. Their positive vibes became my peer pressure. I finally stopped blaming others for my failure and I focused on the lessons that I learned. Today, I want my mistakes of yesterday to become my lessons for today.
When I look at my family photos, I can’t help but think of the other families life that I destroyed so many years ago. I have carried the damage I have caused others into every aspect of my life. Because of the negative impact I caused, I felt as though I was responsible for my grandson’s cancer. When he died, I felt like I was the one who cursed him, which crushed me, I didn’t feel as though I was worthy to feel the hurt. My family is the center of my universe and it’s unbearable to think that I took that away from other people.
When I came to prison I was mad at everybody but myself. I was terribly wild and people thought I was crazy. I realize now, my life was a show, an act to keep my mind off my own mistakes and failures. I hated me. My deep hatred and resentment for myself helped me throw away my life.
I allowed drugs to be a mask for my personal struggle and they took me over the edge. As I reflect upon my drug induced days, I thought people were trying to kill me, when it was me who I was running from. The changes that I made in my life occurred when I realized that I would always be filled with hatred unless I did a full overhaul. Overtime, in a tutoring program in SQ, called Free to Succeed,
The Invisible Man
As a kid I ran and played alone as if I were the Invisible Man.
I did have some friends but my joy was still thin
I felt I would never fit in because I am just the Invisible Man.
My mom met the Lord and joined the church life, my friends were soon gone and the mockery began.
Why? Because I am the Invisible Man.
Of course I met new friends, even a girl to hold hands – but deep down inside I knew I’d never fit in.
Why? Because I am the Invisible Man.
The neighborhood kids teased me, the church family did not understand me. So I learned to fight, when I felt things were not right.
The girls were my comfort, they soothed and consoled me.
For once in my life I feel I fit in.
I thought I was cool and joined the gang life.
My fights I would win till my hands were broken.
I’m no longer the Invisible Man.
I kept a job and soon grew tired of gang life. I figured it was time to start a new way of life.
I have a new girlfriend and a child in my life. My joys are very bright.
With an out of control ego I argued fussed
And fought until I was once again alone in
I figured, oh well! I still have my child
In my life. But wait, oh no! Who is this guy
Now in my little girl’s life?
Lord please don’t let my baby girl be raised by another man. I should have known I did not fit in. Why?
I never stopped being the Invisible Man.
I turned to the drugs to avoid such harsh pain.
I was weak with no incentive to win.
I tried to love again but my heart remained
Broken. I soon entered the trend of failing black men.
Known to all as, “In and Out of Prison.”
I pulled it together with my dad by my side.
I even have three more kids in my life.
My kids are my incentive to fighting however,
I’m now caught up in a terrible drug life.
I fight, I fight! Then came that horrible
Night. Dad why me for such an end to Freedom life?
All I ever did was try to fit in.
It’s clear once again, I’m just the Invisible Man.
My life came to an end before it truly began
As I ruined another’s life before it could ever begin.
I should have settled for being the Invisible Man.
Just as a kid and now as a man. The way that it started.
I’m alone once again.
To my victims, my family, my kids and grandkids.
How do I say I’m sorry for the life I once lived
Now as an old man serving 52 to Life; maybe, just maybe, it is my time to die.
I no longer care, whether or not if I fit in
Life is what it is and I was born to Live
As the Invisible Man.