Alyce, 70

Meet Alyce…

Man, for the next twenty years that idiot would periodically come out, naked as usual, asking if they looked like they were hanging. Worry wart! And they say women are vain.

Incarcerated: 6 years

Housed: Corona, California

When I was 15, I lied about my age and was hired as a nurse’s aid in a convalescent hospital in Huntington Beach. It was one of those crappy dumping grounds where the indigent were taken to die. I made minimum wage and worked six days a week from 3:30 to midnight. I was standing by the nurses station having just finished my rounds checking and changing diapers. A rather tall fellow, 80’s if he was a day, 100 pounds soaking wet, naked as a jaybird comes shuffling down the hallway holding his catheter bag muttering, “Can someone help me, please?” Up until working in this place, I’d never seen a naked old man before and I have to say, it wasn’t pretty. What stood out was his nuts, they damn near stretched down to his knobby knees, banging back and forth like the clapper in a cowbell. With eyes wide open I just looked at the nurses like, “I can use some help here.” Flash forward 40 years. My husband of 25 years died and I’m shacking up with Fred, a Puerto Rican five years my junior. He’s watching me dress one night and asks, “How come women’s breasts sag like that? My wife did the same thing.” With mild indignation, I looked and queried “First things first. Your wife had four babies did she not?” He smiles with pride, “Oh yeah.” “Well, there you go. Breastfeeding is a killer on the boobs and when we get older, gravity strikes,” I noted with disgust looking at my 44 double DD’s that are now 38 longs. He shakes his head and says, “Sure am glad that doesn’t happen to men.” I looked over at him and said, “I got a newsflash for you sweetcheeks, and I proceeded to tell him the story about the knee-knocking nuts I saw in that hospital. When I was done, he was just standing there slack-jawed, eyes bulging in abject horror. I smiled and went back to dressing. Later, Fred, who has always had nice tight testis came walking out into the living room- naked as that proverbial jaybird and with furrowed brows ask, “Do they look like they’re hanging?” “Really, did you really just ask me that?” Man, for the next twenty years that idiot would periodically come out, naked as usual, asking if they looked like they were hanging. Worry wart! And they say women are vain.

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