I am not a religious man, but my mother believes in a God, with a son named Jesus, who could save her and heal her, no matter how long it took. Her faith in God to help her is the greatest gift she bestowed upon me.
To my knowledge, my mother is the first woman I ever fell in love with. She was not the best mother, but I do not believe that God could have blessed me with a better one. I both loved and resented her, if that is possible. At least until I was enlightened about her addiction to drugs. In my own soul searching, I found that I did not resent my mother, I resented the one disease she had that made her an addict. I resented why she started using in the first place. The effects of trauma, especially childhood trauma, is far-reaching and very painful. To cover that pain, people cope by using drugs. My mother fought her addiction several times but failed often. However, she finally conquered her addiction while I was incarcerated. There are only a few years, combined, that I can remember spending time with my mother when she was sober.
With that same faith my parole hearing date changed from 2048 to 2022. I am looking forward to spending time with her again, sober. Although she is not responsible for my life crime (murder), she labored and brought a monster into this world. I constantly reiterate to her that it is not her fault I am in here, and she did the best she could in light of her addiction. She may not say it, but I know my incarceration and the people I hurt, harmed, and injured, weighs heavy on her heart, and mind, the same as it does on mine. Resentment + unforgiveness = misery / pain.
