I felt helpless and alone as I boarded the plane for America. Life was worse than I had imagined and it aggravated my feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Incarcerated: 13 years
Housed: California State Prison, Corcoran
At 13 years old, my parents sent me to America to live with my older brothers. At the time, I didn’t understand why I was forced to leave my parents, siblings, and the only home I ever knew to live in a foreign country with estranged brothers I hardly knew. I was told it was for my safety, but I felt it was a punishment and a rejection by my parents. Despite my reluctance to leave my homeland, I suppressed my thoughts and feelings and did as I was told. I felt helpless and alone as I boarded the plane for America. Life was worse than I had imagined and it aggravated my feelings of loneliness and isolation. At home, my brothers were always busy and I hardly ever saw them. Left on my own, I began to use food as a way to alter my mood from feeling lonely and isolated. As a result, I became overweight and my brothers started calling me “cow.” In hearing their taunts, I felt hurt, angry and rejected. I wanted to fight back, but I couldn’t because they were older and I had to respect them, so I suppressed my anger. To avoid being teased, I ate alone so I wasn’t judged by my large portions. I hid snacks in my closet and ate them when no one was watching.
I became obese and struggled with my weight for most of my life. I felt ugly, ashamed, and less than others. These feelings led to frustration and extreme low self-esteem. I thought no one would ever want me and I would die alone. This belief along with earlier feelings of scarcity and instability would later manifest into possessiveness and controlling over my wife. Along with a rigid sex role belief and a co-dependency issue, I developed a compulsive/obsessive, perfectionistic, controlling, grandiose, blaming, righteous and all-knowing personality. Before I reached puberty I was an undiagnosed narcissist without power and I normalized these behaviors within my sphere of influences because they altered my mood from loneliness and isolation. Based on these adverse childhood experiences, I had unconscious abandonment problems. On the day of the murder, I had hoped for a reconciliation, however, when I was coldly rejected, I was unconsciously terrified of abandonment and this feeling triggered me into a rage that I didn’t know how to manage.