My desire for more of a life, for direction and meaning is undiminished. I’m living in the nest of the enemy and my fear is great, yet it only feeds my rage.
Incarcerated: 42 years
Housed: Stateville Correctional Center,Joliet, Illinois
I was in Cook County Jail fighting a triple murder. Beat one, convicted on one, I had one left and was facing the death penalty. I ran outta loot, my lawyer left. I was juggling to come up with some quick cash to attain proper representation and maintain my dame, Ada Marie and 18 month old little girl. When I would call I would say to her mama to put her on the phone.. She would make my day, listening to her explaining whatever it is she’s talking about. I got convicted, facing the death penalty. I had an emptiness inside me that couldn’t be filled. I was in an Abnormal Behavior Observation Unit (ABU)and was allowed to have visits. I was on one side of a concrete wall with a window with little steel holes to talk through. Not given chairs, we had to bend down to talk through the holes. We hear loud electronic gates which make a ton of noise. Opening and closing. Ada Marie has Pumpkin in her arms and the loud noise has Punkin shaking like she was out in the cold. I see her bottom lip trembling on the verge of tears, holding on to her mama tight. She put her face in her mother’s neck. The gate shuts with a loud bang, her little legs shaking. Ada Marie is telling her to say hi to daddy and I’m saying, “Hi Punkin’, don’t cry.” She wouldn’t budge. Ada Marie puts her ear to the steel hole. She resisted wholeheartedly. “NO, MAMA, NO,” her feet kicking. Ada Marie held her head to the hole, and I roared like an 800 pound lion, “ARRRRRRRRR”. Her little feet stopped kicking, trembling, eyes watery, lip shaking, she looked through the glass and I roared again. Her pretty brown eyes got big, her lip stopped shaking and her little hand reached out to touch the glass. A sly cute smile began to take form, “Daddy – Mama look it’s Daddy!” At that moment, the empty hole inside me overflowed. The dark cloud was no longer. My desire for more of a life, for direction and meaning is undiminished. I’m living in the nest of the enemy and my fear is great, yet it only feeds my rage. I’m confident I’ll achieve my freedom, one kind or another.