At one point in my life, I felt completely hopeless, like it was over, because I was doing sixty years in prison for murder.
There was no way I could have known what incredible things life had in store for me. I want you to know that it is never too early or too late to achieve your goals in life. Do not let anybody tell you anything different or stop you from accomplishing something positive in your life. You have to be brave and think out of the box. At the end of the day, the only person that is going to make you happy and love you is you, so do what makes you better and be happy about it.
Let me tell you a little story about the beginning and the first twenty years of my sentence. Initially, I thought my life was over and I even tried to end it many times, but failed. Life would not let me go. I got involved with the wrong individuals and continued to get into trouble, just wasting time. I never quit doing drugs and even picked up another outside charge for drug possession. At that time, it was what I thought I needed to do to survive. I was not able to overcome that street mentality. It took quite a few years, but eventually a few older residents imparted some realistic wisdom on me about how to live a decent life in prison.
For the last ten years, I have been working on myself. I voluntarily entered the mental health unit offered by the prison. I have put forth 100% effort into learning, growing, and changing for the better. By participating in the mental health programming and learning more about myself, I have become stronger mentally. I take advantage of any opportunities offered by the prison. I have been doing what it takes to make myself a better person, and even though I am not jumping up and down with happiness, I am proud of what I have accomplished so far.
There are people I have regular conversations with today whom I would not have thought twice about beating up in the past, never mind being nice to them. Was I right for thinking that way years ago? No. I did it because I was an ignorant fool and followed the crowd. Peer pressure makes you do stuff you do not want to do and gets you into a lot of trouble. At the time, I thought it was normal, but it was not. I regret these things, and to tell you the truth, I am ashamed of them. It took me many years to realize that everything I was doing was wrong and that the one person I had to prove anything to was me. The only person I was hurting was myself. Also, my family and those who care about me suffered. I put them through so much, and honestly, I do not know how they put up with it.
Finally, at 48 years old, I have come to my senses. After all those years, what have I accomplished? Nothing. Well, I made it to prison. Some youngsters may think that is cool, hard, and gives you street credit, whatever that means. That credit will not help you accomplish anything that matters in life unless you want to make it back to prison or die. Do you want to make it back to prison or die? Do you want to die? I do not want to die. If destiny gives me a chance to get out of prison, I am not trying to come back to this place. Hello no.
So what do I want to be? I want success. How will I get there? By staying focused on the righteous path that I am taking and not letting anyone or anything derail me from it. By educating myself and learning something new every day. By surrounding myself with positive people who will encourage me, support me, and my goals. Will I be embarrassed about that? No. I will feel proud because I will be doing what is necessary to accomplish my goals.
Do I want to be happy? Yes. How do I accomplish that? By doing what makes me a better person. By identifying what I need, not what I want. You are probably thinking, how am I going to be happy if I do not get what I want? Let me explain what want is. The dictionary definition is to desire greatly. To desire greatly sounds like sin, like you would do anything for it, even if you have to get in trouble for it. You would go out of your way to get it like a drug addict might. I mention that term because you will wake up and go to sleep thinking about it and thinking of ways to get it. You would lie and not feel guilty or even give a second thought about it. For what? You are not going to be happy. You will be pleased for a minute or two, but you will not be happy. Sometimes what you think you want is not actually what you want. You just think you need it.
No matter what you have been through, good or bad, in the end you will be fine and you will end up with everything you need, not necessarily everything you want. I know it can seem like nothing is ever enough, but believe me, it is enough. All you have to do is be grateful for the new beginning you are privileged to live every day.
This year, I just finished year 31 of my incarceration and cannot celebrate my freedom yet, but I have not lost hope. I earned an associate degree in business administration from White Mountains Community College. I made the President’s Honor List and was chosen to give the graduation speech. What an honor.
Physically, I turned 57 years old. Because I am conscious of what I eat, working in the kitchen helps, and I stay active, I feel years younger. Mentally, I still have the desire to learn new things. There is talk the prison may team up with another college to offer a four year bachelor’s degree. You bet my name will be on that list. I crave new knowledge and appreciate any opportunity to quench this thirst.
Emotionally, I am in a good place. I am still living on the wellness unit and taking programs. Besides learning about myself, I am a teacher, mentor, mediator, and leader to others. I have off days, but they are few and far between. It has been four years since my mom passed. There are times I think about her and wonder what she would think of the person I have become. I hope I make her proud.
As for the person reading this, are you doing all you can to change your life and set yourself up for success? As long as you are willing to succeed, you have more than just a chance to turn your life around. Get out of the box and give yourself a shot at life beyond what you can imagine for yourself today. It can feel stressful to do things you have never done before, go to places you have never been, and speak to people you would not normally speak to, but you have to get out of your comfort zone. Success compounds itself. The harder you work, the more likely you are to succeed. Invest in yourself by believing in yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope this story inspires you to make some changes in your life. You can do it.
Thank you for all you do for us. One more thing, life is beautiful.
Respectfully,
Jose
