This situation can take your lust for life away, what I use to like or intrigue me, I find myself despising. The person I used to be thought of love as something real, almost tangible. To view human nature in this form from within prison I now believe people as a majority don’t care about people. Because the prison I am at is such an attack on human nature- love of any type, form or meaning almost doesn’t seem real. Grim reality.
It was the summer of 1962 and my first year of clinical training for seminary. I was 23. I heard San Quentin was accepting people for training ministers and priests for a 12-week program.
It was during this time that I made a conscious decision to embark upon a journey of growth and self development. I enrolled in every therapeutic program that Green Haven Correctional Facility offered. There I pursued higher education, earning college credits and giving presentations on the importance of personal development.
Then, I saw how badly the military messed me over, they ripped me off with a general discharge instead of a medical one. This way, I couldn’t receive follow-up care in the veterans hospital. Instead they sent me home a lost and broken soul.
Forty plus years of sharing a tiny cage was like an anvil around my shoulders, that I was unaware of until it was gone. Other than being sick with covid twice, my quarantine was a good thing.
Man, for the next twenty years that idiot would periodically come out, naked as usual, asking if they looked like they were hanging. Worry wart! And they say women are vain.
People ask me why I’m doing life in prison. It was Mother’s day, I beat Alexa down with my fists I had never before fought. The day I screamed her secrets, mourned mine, while I clawed and clutched her into admitting there had been no prenatal pills.
I never want to see a child grow up lost like me. I express remorse to help others. If I believe, I can achieve.
Telling my story sets me free from these walls. I hope to carry on my mission and help women with trauma. What was meant for bad can be turned to good.
If I only get the chance to be outside again, to get my freedom back, to be able to hug my kids, I would never lose that part of my life again. I promise.
My desire for more of a life, for direction and meaning is undiminished. I’m living in the nest of the enemy and my fear is great, yet it only feeds my rage.