Mary, 35

I can remember as early as when I was 5 when I was staying in Cittronelle, Alabama.

I grew up in a biracial environment. I attended Rosalott Elementary School. It was just me, my mom, and my brother at all times. That is until my mother met my stepfather. Shortly after she met him, she married him and we moved to Mobile, Alabama. This was when my life began to change.

At the age of 7, I was being molested by my stepfather. Then at 8, I was molested by the only son that my mom had. This went on until I was about 10.

At the age of 12, I became sexually active with a guy much older than me. He was about 25. At 13, I met my first boyfriend who was 6 years older than me. I began to run away from home and skip school. I became very promiscuous and started smoking marijuana.

My boyfriend at the time was very abusive. He would hit me with wooden chairs, punch me in the head, and accuse me of sleeping with his family members. At the age of thirteen, I left my mother’s house and moved in with him and his mother. I was running away from all the sexual abuse that was going on at home.

My mother never told me she loved me. She never showed me any affection. She never took the time out to tell me how to make decisions in life. At the age of thirteen, I was trying to figure out what love was in all the wrong places and people.

I stayed in this toxic relationship until I was 18, because even though he beat me, he also took care of me financially and gave me the things and attention that I never had when I was growing up. In return, I gave him my body to show him that I appreciated all he was doing. I thought I was doing the right thing because that is what I experienced seeing when I was younger.

At 18, I could no longer stay in that relationship because it had become too violent. This is when I met my second boyfriend. I met him through a mutual friend, and I had a one night stand with him the first time I met him. I was not proud of it, but growing up this was the way I thought life should go if you met someone whom I liked and who liked me in return. That one night turned into a relationship.

Eight weeks later, I was pregnant with my first child at the age of 18, and two years later we got married. He too was abusive, and this started at the beginning of the relationship. He started by mentally abusing me by calling me names. Then eventually he started choking me, blacking my eye, taking my car, and selling my property without me knowing.

I was pregnant, and I knew I could not return to my ex boyfriend, so I thought I was stuck. Throughout the years, we had broken up several times, and while we were on break, we both slept with other people. I had four kids by him over an eight year span. The relationship was very unhealthy, very violent, and physically painful.

At 24, I was introduced to powder cocaine by him. I thought that if I tried it, it would make him love me more and stay at home, and I thought he would stop cheating. Me getting on drugs did not stop anything. He continued being him, and the beatings, cheating, and lonely nights got worse over time.

One night at the age of 26, I overdosed and died, and the doctors had to bring me back to life. He had driven me to the hospital and left me there alone. This incident made me realize that the drug life was not for me. I still smoked weed, but as for rolling beans, ecstasy pills, and coke, I no longer did.

At the time, I had joined a church and tried to get my life in order, and that meant evicting him out of my life. When I ran into an old childhood friend by the name of Johnnie, I confided in him that I was no longer with my husband. I also told him how my husband kept stalking me, busting my windows on my vehicle, kicking in my door at the house, and making life a living hell.

Johnnie told me that if he helped me out of the situation, I could never ever take my husband back because he would be putting his life in danger just to save me from my husband. I wanted all this to stop, so I agreed. Johnnie moved in with me as a friend. Our friendship blossomed into a relationship, and things between Johnnie and my husband became real hectic. They had several shoot outs and all kinds of commotion going on behind me, but it worked. Johnnie finally did something for me that I could not do for myself. He made my husband stop harassing me.

Johnnie and I moved my kids to a new location and started a family. This lasted for two years until I got tired of Johnnie. Our sex life was boring. He could not provide for our family. He was a cheater and was sneaky with his cheating. He was also abusive, and that alone made me not want him anymore.

I was again trying to find love and someone who could help me financially. That is when I ran into a guy named Tyrone. At first, our relationship was good for the most part. He was very financially stable. Our sex life was off the chain. We had a lot in common. He catered to my kids and me. He made sure my hair and nails were done every week. He made sure the kids, him, and me were dressed to impress at all times.

After a year, everything started to change. He became very toxic to me and the kids. He was an alcoholic who did not know how to handle his liquor. He started cheating, and everything from my past relationships he was doing. He started beating me, dragging me out of bed, and making me perform sexual acts that I did not condone.

At the end of our sixteen month relationship, I had enough. All the good stuff he was doing in the beginning went out the window. He had turned into a monster. Once we separated, he became a stalker. He began kicking in my house doors, flattening my tires, and showing up at every spot I tried to enjoy myself at.

On August 25, 2018, my life was changed in a drastic way. He came to my house and beat me, and in return I acted out of fear and madness and shot in the air behind him. I did not know my cousin John was in the car. The bullet hit him in the back and instantly killed him.

I was arrested for the first time in my life and was booked in Mobile County Jail for murder. I stayed in jail for three nights, and then my dad bonded me out of jail. I stayed with my mother for two days after the incident.

My husband told me he would go to my house with me because he would protect me and the kids in case someone tried to retaliate against me. I listened and brought him to my house. We drank liquor one night, and that led to sex and him driving my car, supposed to be going to the store, but he did not come back until the next morning.

I waited until he went outside and locked him out. The next thing I knew and heard was my door being kicked, and I was stabbed in my fingers by a butcher knife. I went to the hospital, and I did not tell on him because I was scared to talk to any law officials after what I had just experienced a couple days before.

When I got home from the hospital, I asked him to leave my house. In return, he busted all my truck windows, beat me, and stole 150 dollars from me. I had had enough of all that beating, so I called my father and told him I was about to leave everything I owned and move up the country, and that is exactly what I did.

I stayed with my best friend for two months, and then I found an apartment. My kids and I were finally on our own, and then here I go being me again and just got to have companionship from a man. I met this guy named Joel. I moved him in immediately.

For the most part, he was very kind to us. He did not put his hand on me. He helped pay the bills. He introduced me to fishing, and we constantly went to places I had never been before. His family accepted me in their family somewhat. His only flaw was that he was very jealous of me hanging with my friends, and he drank a lot.

During my time with him, I became an alcoholic because I was stressed out and knew my life was about to come to an end. I knew eventually I would be going to prison and leaving my kids and family behind.

That day came on June 3, 2019. Federal marshals came to my mother’s house looking for me. I called them, and they informed me I had so many hours to turn myself in. I was indicted on two counts of murder, which upped my charge to capital murder. I was a loving and devoted mother facing the death penalty for a mistakenly accident that I committed.

I spent two years and seven months in the county jail. During that time, I became involved with meth for the first time in my life, and I became bisexual. Over that period of time, I had been with seven different women and was dipping and dabbing into weed, paper, and meth. I became very violent, suicidal, and homicidal. I was always getting into fights, and I was very angry, but I did respect the guards.

On April 2, 2022, I was transferred to Tutwiler Women Prison. When I got there, I ran through 4000 dollars on drugs and became the person that my baby daddy was. I was selfish, did not think about who I was hurting, and was very rebellious.

Once in prison, I did the same things I did in the county, but I did not fight because unlike county, in prison you get write ups, and I did not want it in my records that I was a violent person.

I am now at Birmingham Women Work Release, two years into my prison sentence, and I am on the same behavior I had at Tutwiler. The first year at work release I was drug free and was not on the lesbian stuff. Then I got mixed up with the wrong crowd and started back doing meth, but I still was not on the lesbian activities.

I got high about three times before I surrendered my life to God. I stayed single and drug free for 18 months. Then the devil sent me a pretty little wrapped person with a bow on it, and I thought I was in love once again, but she turned out to be just like the men I had dated in the past. That lasted for four months, and during those four months I relapsed on paper and tried meth one time.

I did not like how it made me feel, and I did not like doing stuff just to fit in with a crowd, so I began asking God to forgive me and take that person out my life. I prayed every night that God would give me the strength to do his will and not mine.

As of today, I am 36 days clean and sober, and I am a month into not being in a relationship. I am no longer seeking to be co dependent on man nor woman. I am now focusing on how to be drug free, how to love myself for me as I am, and I am learning that every action does not require a reaction.

I am attending NA meetings a week, and I am currently enrolled in aftercare, which shows me how to work the twelve steps in Celebrate Recovery along with a few spiritual classes. I no longer desire to be with a woman, and I no longer desire to do drugs. I want God’s will to be done in my life, and I am striving to do whatever it takes to enter into his kingdom.

I no longer want to be selfish. I am no longer thinking about only myself, but now I think about my loved ones and all the people who are around me. I want to be a light to others who are around me, to let them know God loves us, to encourage them, and to let them know if God can work with a messed up person like me, then God can work in their life as well.

All you have to do is ask God for help, surrender to him, and turn away from your old ways. It might not be easy as it sounds, but just know that you can do all things in Christ Jesus who strengthens you.

As of today December 1st, 2025, I am eight months clean. I have graduated from a substance abuse program. I am in an honors dorm, and I am currently working on my second book. I am mentoring three young ladies, and I also assist my friend when she needs help with NA and AA.