Anthony, 57

Meet Anthony…

The best part was seeing how happy my customers were. I really thrived when customers gave me the freedom to do what I thought was best.

Anthony, 57
Incarcerated: 11 years
Housed: San Quentin State Prison, California

He brought me this 1990 Corvette. The only good things about it were the motor and the electronics. I spent three months redoing the exterior and interior. The paint job was my favorite part. I love doing custom paint jobs. He wanted a NASCAR-inspired look, so I did some research to avoid trademark issues. He liked it so much that he asked me to sign the car. I took it to a car show in Sacramento and it ended up winning first place. I gave him the trophy. He asked me to do the same design on two other cars. I first started working on cars when I was 12. I enjoy every aspect of it, from fixing transmissions to creating custom paint jobs. For 26 years, I owned my own body shop in Sacramento. I worked almost every day, putting in 16-hour shifts. It was my whole world. The best part was seeing how happy my customers were. I really thrived when customers gave me the freedom to do what I thought was best.

Cars are like life and death to people, so dealing with expensive repairs and delays could be challenging. Sometimes, people would come into my shop and threaten me, but most of them appreciated my work, and I enjoyed working with them. Even when I was in prison in San Diego, some customers would drive all the way from Sacramento to visit me, and we still keep in touch. Some customers even flew to Denver to let my grandmother know I was okay, and that she would be okay too. My grandparents had a big influence on me. They taught me self-confidence and a strong work ethic. They also sparked my interest in Native American spirituality and jewelry. Now, I make Native American jewelry as a creative outlet. Working on cars has been more than just a job for me. It’s been a lifelong passion. I’ve seen how my work can make a difference in people’s lives and create lasting connections. Even behind bars, I continue to pursue my love for cars and hope for a better future.

Clayton, 31

Clayton, 31

Meet Clayton…

I learned to face my past head-on by writing, speaking, and accepting all that happened, I could have done this so years ago and prevented a life sentence.

Clayton, 31
Incarcerated: 6 years
Housed: San Quentin State Prison

As I crunched the paper, twisting it into a cross to place into my dad’s open casket, I never assumed I’d be made fun of for it. The bullies at school made sure to remind me of the open casket legacy which my father left behind after his overdose on heroin. While their dads were at ‘Meet the Parents Day’ all I had to present was a picture of a tombstone. Though their dads were important, I was belittled to live up to the curse my father left behind for me. Whether reality set in or not, one thing I knew for sure, “Like father, like son.” Addiction plagued my father. He passed it on to my siblings, and they passed it on to me. At age 16, my sister told me that by the age of three,  I was exposed to meth’s intoxicating high. Through tears she told me, and through anger I went forward. This admission was all I needed, to dive deeper into my progressing addiction. Years into my life sentence, I realized something. Rather than face the fact that I am resilient, I withered away behind the trauma. The young man who stroked his father’s cold, pale skin one last time.

Now, with nothing but time on my hands to think, I made a huge discovery. I found the source of my anxiety, fear, and discomfort stemming from the traumas of my childhood. Every day we choose, and these choices define our lives. I chose to perpetuate the trauma and the pain I carry, by passing it on to others. Just as I learned to face my past head-on by writing, speaking, and accepting all that happened, I could have done this so years ago and prevented a life sentence. Had I been strong enough back then, I would have spared so many undeserving people from so much suffering. I realize today that I am my father’s son, and my Father is God. Through the transformation which has occurred while walking in the fire, I will be able to reach others still trapped behind the tempest of trauma. To all the people I have harmed over the years, I owe my transformation to you. I will honor your lives everyday, as I continue to learn, grow and change; as I work to leave behind a new legacy on this Earth.

Ronald, 48

Ronald, 48

There’s absolutely nothing wrong for loving one from afar, when that’s the best action, to keep you on the path that God intended for you to travel.

Ronald, 48

Incarcerated: 3 years

Housed: San Quentin State Prison, California

Is there a point when even God loses hope in someone like me? Like the age old saying, ‘The straw that broke the camel’s back.’ Thinking back, trying to remember some good I might have done, is almost impossible, due to the dark cloud of wrong I’m reminded of daily, especially when the cell door locks for the night. That’s when things become dead quiet, leaving only you and your thoughts. 

Where did everybody go? What happened to all the friends I thought I had? I’ve learned most people surrounding you are only there because of what you can do for them. Whether it be money, drugs, protection or simply company to pass the time. 99% of the time you possess something they want or simply desire. Being raised by the father I was dealt with, was in one hand a blessing, and the other, a curse. Trying to constantly get one’s approval, will drive you to learn similar crafts hoping for an – ATTA BOY! Which seems to always never come, but learning multiple crafts will most certainly put you in a position, where others are drawn to you. 

Being an only child would somehow prepare me for years of solitude. Most people who find themselves without the slightest hope of ever being a free man once again, having the opportunity to function, as a law abiding citizen, might have thoughts of deep hopelessness or even contemplate suicide. I, on the other hand, completely accept my wrong doings and the time behind bars I have been allotted for breaking the law. I’m actually thankful for being, “Saved from myself.” But most importantly for keeping others safe that I could possibly hurt, whether the hurt was physical or emotionally. Sadly, the hurt usually affects people I love or care about. 

The time I spent trying to gain my fathers approval has given me some bad traits. Always being the total opposite towards people than my father was towards me, and people that seemed to be a part of my life for one reason or another. I would never see them for the people they truly were, because I didn’t want to pass on the hurt of not being good enough in my eyes, or constantly pointing out their flaws. This passive way of accepting would come back to haunt me, and rip open my heart out, because I believed people were good when they simply were rotten, broken souls. Clearly, two broken people aren’t good for themselves let alone each other. “Birds of a feather flock together,” the outcome is always bad for both individuals in the toxic relationship. There’s no balance. It’s either up or down. Truthfully mostly down, but low self esteem or some form of insecurities will give the feeling of: this is probably the best it’s gonna get, so having someone is better than having no one. I could find nine bad things in a person and one good but because of feelings like: I don’t deserve better because of all the wrong I’ve done, I’m lucky to receive any amount of love from anyone, I’ll take whatever I can get. Yet, when the other broken person’s mood swings are up, down and all around, you’ll develop even more insecurities, due to the lack of emotions that should be given from both sides in a healthy relationship. But when you don’t love the person in the mirror, you truly can’t love anyone else. I’ve told women over and over again I love you, yet my actions tell a completely different story. When there has to be some type of drug to stimulate emotional, physical or any type of affection towards one another the relationship will soon become more and more toxic and damaging to the weaker of the two. I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing both the one being abandoned and the one running for dear life. Yet, the sickest part of it all is just for that one moment we felt loved, we’ll find ourselves returning to that horribly toxic relationship in hopes of a different outcome. My outcome was catching a life sentence grasping for every straw of possible hope. Do I blame her for the outcome? Absolutely not. My insecurities blindfolded my judgment of the relationship. And not only my shortcomings but her as well. I can’t think for a second I’m remotely capable of fixing another, when I’m broken as well. 

So, who do I blame?

My father never gave me the affirmation I seeked from him, or his mother, who treated him that way. Her father maybe. The blame can go back generations. One, two, three generations – who knows. 

Why was I so in need of his approval? 

Many people I’ve talked to could be perfectly okay without the approval of anyone. Well, hold on! Let me backup just a tad bit. Many have come to the same conclusion. Some sooner than others but if you’re right with God, you’ll start to like that person in the mirror more and more until the like becomes love for yourself. Then and only then, can you possibly love another, as God has loved us. Real love doesn’t keep a tab of what you’ve done for others, almost having the feeling of having to earn it. When random acts are freely given from real love, there’s too many to keep track of. Once you’ve learned to love yourself, loving others will come with the slightest of effort. Now comes the hard part. Loving others doesn’t mean accepting the parts of them that could be your downfall. Stand firm in what is right, because what is right and just will keep you loving that person in the mirror. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with loving one from afar, when that’s the best action to keep you on the path that God intended for you to travel. It’s okay to be a little selfish when it comes to loving yourself. Hurt people, hurt people! Love can heal all things but the healing must first start internally, with you and soon the love that you’ve generated for yourself will overflow to others for all the right reasons. The best reason is that, “Love doesn’t cost a thing!” But when you don’t love the person in the mirror,  you truly can’t love anyone else.

Samir, 52

Samir, 52

Meet Samir…

I felt helpless and alone as I boarded the plane for America. Life was worse than I had imagined and it aggravated my feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Samir, 52
Incarcerated: 13 years
Housed: California State Prison, Corcoran

At 13 years old, my parents sent me to America to live with my older brothers. At the time, I didn’t understand why I was forced to leave my parents, siblings, and the only home I ever knew to live in a  foreign country with estranged brothers I hardly knew. I was told it was for my safety, but I felt it was a punishment and a rejection by my parents. Despite my reluctance to leave my homeland, I suppressed my thoughts and feelings and did as I was told. I felt helpless and alone as I boarded the plane for America. Life was worse than I had imagined and it aggravated my feelings of loneliness and isolation. At home, my brothers were always busy and I hardly ever saw them. Left on my own, I began to use food as a way to alter my mood from feeling lonely and isolated. As a result, I became overweight and my brothers started calling me “cow.” In hearing their taunts, I felt hurt, angry and rejected. I wanted to fight back, but I couldn’t because they were older and I had to respect them, so I suppressed my anger. To avoid being teased, I ate alone so I wasn’t judged by my large portions. I hid snacks in my closet and ate them when no one was watching.

I became obese and struggled with my weight for most of my life. I felt ugly, ashamed, and less than others. These feelings led to frustration and extreme low self-esteem. I thought no one would ever want me and I would die alone. This belief along with earlier feelings of scarcity and instability would later manifest into possessiveness and controlling over my wife. Along with a rigid sex role belief and a co-dependency issue, I developed a compulsive/obsessive, perfectionistic, controlling, grandiose, blaming, righteous and all-knowing personality. Before I reached puberty  I was an undiagnosed narcissist without power and I normalized these behaviors within my sphere of influences because they altered my mood from loneliness and isolation. Based on these adverse childhood experiences, I had unconscious abandonment problems. On the day of the murder, I had hoped for a reconciliation, however, when I was coldly rejected, I was unconsciously terrified of abandonment and this feeling triggered me into a rage that I didn’t know how to manage. 

Alyce, 71

Alyce, 71

Meet Alyce…

For five days I was never given water. I was placed in a rehabbed storage room with no bathroom. I was escorted, sick with covid, to a public bathroom.

Alyce, 71
Incarcerated: 7 years
Housed: Corona, California

I was sent to the triage and treatment area because I was exhibiting Covid symptoms. I tested positive. A doctor I didn’t know was on the phone ordering I be sent to the Riverside University Hospital because of my age and being a high medical risk. Because of previous experience at that hospital, I emphatically refused to go. I signed a refusal. I was then placed in the correction treatment center. In doing so, the person in charge came to me to discuss my Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order and  my contact information to inform my sister, in case I was sent to the hospital. The next day, going for x-rays I collapsed into unconsciousness. I was told by nurses that I became unresponsive, I was seizing and had quit breathing. I don’t know what life-saving measures were taken, but when I opened my eyes, there was a room full of people around me. A man that looked like a doctor was congratulating a lady for her quick action. When I next came to, I was in an ambulance and life-saving measures were being implemented. My DNR was ignored… again. When I came to again, I found out I was in Riverside University Hospital. I demanded to be sent back to prison and signed the refusal… twice, but it did not happen. The treatment there was outrageous.

For five days I was never given water. I was placed in a rehabbed storage room with no bathroom. I was escorted, sick with covid, to a public bathroom. I had to wear my street clothes the entire stay, and was never allowed to bathe, wash my face or hands. I was made to suffer with a migraine for 13 hours before they would give me a prescription. I demanded to be sent back to prison. I removed my own I.V. never saw food and did not see a single person until the next day. The doctor finally sent me home to prison. On my way out of the basement I saw beds lined end-to-end in the hallways, full of other inmates, homeless people, itinerant workers, mentally ill and children! Who does this? I have never seen anything like this in my life or have been treated this horribly. I’ve met several other inmates who met the same fate there. Why is this allowed? That’s what I want to know.

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