I am incarcerated for the death of two human beings. But in my heart I carry the loss and taking of three lives. That’s been really hard. The two men I’m in prison for died because of me, and I am also carrying the guilt and shame for taking my younger brother’s life. A saint in my mother’s eyes. Her baby. A little angel who could do no wrong in her mind, and who sadly and unfortunately, is also my co-defendant. In her eyes, I could see the death of a thousand little cuts bleeding out her soul on the visiting room floor. I too died over and over again. He was only 17 years and will soon be 45. It’s been pure agony alone learning to live with it all. No one should have died. Period. Can you fathom the difficulty in saying, I forgive myself? Am I not in touch with the truth of my divine nature for feeling the futility of self-forgiveness. The most difficult thing is learning to forgive myself. It’s a whole lot easier to forgive others than to forgive oneself. I will be an unsung hero, humble when I capture self-forgiveness.
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Self-Forgiveness is a work in progress
It takes a strong person to stand and live
With the burden of a sin, a regret, a remorse and not hide
Learning to live with your faults before forgiving yourself
Will light your torch for the long haul
It’s in the very learning of our faults that we find freedom
It’s avoiding them that’s in deservance of no credence.
For me redemption is achieved by becoming stronger with taking
Ownership of my responsibility and so, I aim at redemption
With passionate high hopes
Heartstrings of self-forgiveness will begin to unfold’
This still partially lost and struggling soul.
To the core of my entire being
In all truth where truth is true unfailingly
I do genuinely feel deeply sorry
For the faithfully departed
I drown inside of sorrow
A river of tears through my veins once rotted
A Darwinian will save today and tomorrow
To never again be unguarded
I know I’m a child of God
I know He’s in my life
Perhaps that’s why
I can still: live, laugh, and love
I still can’t say I forgive myself!
Being contrite with an innocent blindness
I seek love and kindness
I’m sure I’ll create a dent with
Self-forgiveness once he’s a free man
It’s all God’s plan
A written dealt hand
The purpose of my life is to use the fruit of my karma
As a bed of opportunity to pass the buck forward
And help those he puts in my path
I’m sorry mom won’t be able to see it
For she as well has gone off to the promised land
But heaven has eyes too
There’s a myriad of emotions here
The manifold of their feelings
Outline spiritual warfare
Still, love over fear
Is there a soul who really cares
I seek a stone thrower who cannot bear forgiving me
Hidden guilt festers, admission heals, the Salvation of a soul is the greatest victory imaginable
To love is to forgive, therefore tangible.
God created me to be “Love”
In my heart, in my mind, in the still & tranquil
Core of my being, lies everything I have been
Seeking to remember a course in miracles.
Time is the present essence.
If I could only turn back time
Periods that I could do over again
I’d turn back time.
Heaven sent
I repent.
Ivie – thank you for these beautiful words, and for bearing your soul. If you can still “live, laugh and love” you are indeed ALIVE and I commend you for it.
Emily