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Todd, 33

Todd, 33

Stories

Meet Todd…

…Isolated. Anxiety ridden. Helpless. Inhumane. All of these sum up how I’ve been forced to feel about myself over the past two years.

 

Incarcerated: 10 years
Housed: Stateville Correctional Center

Cry For Help

Deaths due to drug overdose have reached an all time high in America and there doesn’t seem to be any brakes on the runaway train. This is the reality we face in 2022, but the lost and forgotten in prisons across America deal with the same struggle. The difference? We’re property of the Illinois Department of Corrections.

The cells we live in should be condemned! Cockroaches nest in the walls. The water we are forced to drink causes illnesses. IDOC says, “Nothing is wrong with the drinking water,” however staff and outside visitors are told NOT TO DRINK THE WATER. We need water to survive, but the commissary has not sold bottled water in 4 months. Dayrooms and yard times are denied due to short staffing. Just stay in your cells and dwell on Covid-19. Do not ask for help or complain. Stateville doesn’t care.

Christmas 2020 we weren’t allowed in person visits – the vaccines had not yet been distributed. Christmas 2021, Stateville goes on a “Medical Lockdown,” due to officers testing positive. No visits from my 73 year old parents. December 24th, I’m watching the Wizarding and escaping into childhood memories of Harry Potter. Stateville, supposedly “Short Staffed” due to another covid outbreak, somehow has the officers to do cell shakedowns on Christmas Eve. I do my best to go along, not make waves, but I COULD NOT COMPREHEND why I was being pulled out of my cell at this time.

As a man of faith I’m supposed to turn the other cheek, but what happens when you run out of cheeks? Taking “medicine” along with blood pressure pills was my remedy that night. Under the Covid-19 quarantine, I’ve tattooed myself from head to toe, been to segregation twice, and had debilitating depression and anxiety. Prison itself brings about isolation. COVID cut off all in person contact with the outside world. The lack of humanity and personal connection has been crippling for me.

Will you help me keep my sanity in an institution that views me as nothing more than a product on a shelf that will expire and simply be thrown out? Will you step into my pain? Acknowledge my humanity and tell me that it’ll be ok?

 

 

Antoine, 42

Antoine, 42

Stories

Meet Antoine…

The first book he gave me was Stolen Legacy. It spoke to the history of Blacks. It energized me. It propelled my eagerness to want to know who I am, who is God, what is my purpose, and how to achieve it.

A guy came to my cell and placed a newspaper between my bars. Neither of us has ever spoken a word to each other. For some reason, I didn’t question it. For the very first time, the articles spoke to me. I felt like I found something that was missing.

He brought another and another until I read all the ones he had. I couldn’t get enough. The pages were God’s love, wisdom, understanding, character, business, health, a buffet of knowledge that had never been presented to me in that way. It was like I was hearing the truth. I was never brought up in a religious or spiritual environment. I don’t think I had ever picked up a Bible, my only notion of God was from my grandmother. The first book he gave me was Stolen Legacy. It spoke to the history of Blacks. It energized me. It propelled my eagerness to want to know who I am, who is God, what is my purpose, and how to achieve it. After every book, the falsehoods and ignorance that engulfed my circumference shed from my being. I saw my existence in a whole different light.

There was a value to who I am, to what I think, the things I say, and consciousness to my behavior. With this new insight, I  began to change both mentally and physically. I spoke about this life to my mother, my son, and my family.

Furthermore, this produced joy no matter my present situation. Not only did my life change, but their lives changed. The shackles of imprisonment were spiritually broken, the physical things that prison has a way of destroying, like bonds with our loved ones, slowly disappeared. After reading so much, I no longer could contain all my knowledge. So one morning I woke up and something said ‘write’. I felt powerful. My creativity flowed effortlessly. Poetry is a daily activity and I have published three books of poetry. Every day I see promise and look to advance my learning in any way possible, simply because my brother now, Azim, passed me a newspaper.

Michael, 39

Michael, 39

Stories

Meet Michael…

I need someone I know to go with me, so I don’t feel all alone again. Someone I can hang out with and stay out of trouble with. 

Incarcerated: 14 years
Housed: Illinois Department of Corrections, Juliet

I was moved into a cell with Joshua. First thing he says, “If you’re going to be in my cell, then you’re going to be on probation.” He then asked me to shop for him because there is a $100.00 limit at the commissary. He would give me $20.00 if I did. I shopped for him and he told me that I owed him. I asked him what I owed him and he said he’d let me know. Out of the blue, he started asking me personal & sexual questions. I immediately asked the correctional officer on shift if I could get a cell change because my celly was asking me sexual & personal questions. When I got back to my cell, and our door was locked, he said I was not going anywhere and started beating the shit out of me. When the officer passed, I gave him a note, asking for a cell change. Nothing happened. I got my ass beat that night, my celly raped me, again and again and again. I wrote to the warden,  letting her know that my celly had forced me to have sex with him. It took them two days to remove me. I was taken to the health care unit, questioned and took a rape kit. The following day I was taken to a one man cell and was finally able to use the phone. I called my mom and told her what happened. I filed a grievance. I was interviewed again, but this time I was shown a letter from my ex-celly saying it was consensual. They believed him and covered it up. I ended up with six months in solitary confinement and transferred to where I am now. My new celly and I get along great. He is helping me fight my lawsuit and I am waiting for the judge to make his final ruling on my case! Since being here, I’ve gone to school and played lots of handball, I have a mean serve. I’ve met a lot of good players and made friends with all of them. Then I met Todd, who also plays handball, we talk & walk the yard together. Todd introduced me to “Humans of San Quentin.” I consider Todd to be more than just a good friend, he’s my brother from another mother. Someone I can talk to about anything! Recently, I went from a blue ID to a white ID which means I can go from a maximum security prison to a medium. For 14 years I’ve been in a maximum security prison. I put in for a transfer to be closer to my family, so I can get more visits. I’m also helping my brother, Todd to get moved to the same prison since he’s now eligible. I need someone I know to go with me, so I don’t feel all alone again. Someone I can hang out with and stay out of trouble with. 

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