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Spencer, 44

Spencer, 44

Stories

Spencer

Meet Spencer…

“He saw cool waters gleaming, and a sweet green oasis“

 

Spencer, 44

Incarcerated: 6 years

Housed: Texas Department of Criminal Justice, Hightower

 

Love’s Mirage

 

Midway upon the route, he paused a thirst

And suddenly, across the wastes of heat

He saw cool waters gleaming, and a sweet green oasis

Upon his vision burst

A tender dream, long in his bosom nursed

Spread love’s illusive venture for his feet

The barren sands changed into golden wheat

The way grew glad that late had seemed accused

She shone, the woman wonder on his soul

The garden spot for which men toil and wait

The house of rest that is each heart’s demand

But when at last he reached the gleaming goal

He found oh cruel irony of fate

But desert sun upon the desert sand

This is love’s mirage

 

Sirrel, 39

Sirrel, 39

Stories

Sirrel

Meet Sirrel…

“I felt the weight of sin and the death that lies in this body.”

Sirrel, 39

Incarcerated: 9 years

Housed: San Quentin State Prison

These are true events that have taken place in my life. When I was arrested, I was teased until my kidneys failed. At this point, I felt my soul leave my body and thought I was going to hell. All I was able to do was say, “Jesus forgive me.” At that point, I woke up in the ambulance for a brief second and then I passed out again. Now I’m in prison and I hear chatter on the tier about this book called, “Heaven is For Real”. Before I read the book, I was discrediting the kid’s story until I had an outer-body experience. In 2015, I was meditating and reading Corinthians 12:1-7, where Paul was talking about an outer-body experience. Things only happened back then. At this point, I was feeling unworthy of God’s love and forgiveness. Then I was asleep and out of my body; I was in “Heaven”. I couldn’t see the children but I could hear their laughter. I had seen a table with a beautiful tablecloth, a reef, and God was saying that I was welcome to come home. And then I woke up. I felt the weight of sin and the death that lies in this body. When I was in heaven, I felt so secure, so loved, and without a worry in the world. So I cried out to my spirit, “Why? Why must I come back?” 

These were the two messages: Never discredit someone’s story when you don’t know what has transpired in their life. And God said, “I send no one to hell, people choose hell by rejecting Jesus.”

I have been to Heaven, 

I had an outer-body experience, and I didn’t want to come back to this world! 

 

Michael, 44

Michael, 44

Stories

Michael

Meet Michael…

“I was a troubled kid and had experienced too much hurt and seen too many disappointments to give or receive love properly. Once I really found love, it would eventually lead to my incarceration.”

Michael, 44

Incarcerated: 23 years

Housed: Sing Sing Correctional Facility, Ossining, New York

I ended up meeting a woman who was willing to let me live with her, under one condition; that I break up with Rose. Looking back now, I know the smartest thing to have done, would’ve been to tell Rose the truth of my plan rather than have her really believe I was breaking up with her. Especially when I had already proposed to her. Thinking back now, I’m really seeing how stupid and idiotic my plan was. Especially with someone like Rose. I was far from being a man back then, so I ended up going with my foolish plan and all hell broke loose. Events led to me being jumped by Rose, her mom and Rose’s step-sister; and even then I did not hit anyone. Rose was now 4 months pregnant at the time. When I tried to leave the scene, Rose grabbed me and wouldn’t let go, nor would anyone help me get her off me. Everyone just watched, friends, neighbors, everybody. I just wanted to leave, because I knew the cops were already out looking for me because of the fight Rose and I had earlier at her mom’s house. Rose had destroyed the woman’s car that I had driven over there, and I threw a car-jack through her house window in return. It was pure chaos earlier that day, but now all I wanted to do was get Rose to let me go without hurting her or the baby. I thought if I pointed my gun at her it would scare her into letting me go. That didn’t work. It just made her madder, and she started pushing and pulling on me. All I heard was the gun go off. I couldn’t believe it as I watched her body collapse in front of me. It was only when I got away from the crowd that I cried like I did the night I nipped her on the chin. I call this story “Unspoken Love”, because I never told Rose I loved her. This is a pain I have carried for a long time. If I had just been honest with her about my reason for needing to pretend that I broke up with her, if only I had told her how much I loved her. If only I could go back in time. If’s- have become the eternal burden I carry. Three lives were lost that day though the world only counted two. Rose, my son, and me.

Javier, 31

Javier, 31

Stories

Ciara, 34

Meet Javier…

“I’ve learned that if someone gives me an opportunity, I can accomplish a lot”

Javier, 31

Incarcerated: 2 years

My bad behavior started at the end of my freshman year of high school. I was approached by one of my friends and he asked if I wanted to join the hood. I automatically said yes. I was getting respect, hanging out with the cool kids, and riding in the Yukon. Everybody knew us, all the females were on us, but more importantly, our brothers weren’t getting picked on anymore after school. One day, Child Protective Services came in with sheriffs to take my brothers and sisters. They didn’t take me because I was a ward of the state, and had been released to my mother while on juvenile probation. It wasn’t the same without my family. I took it out on random people and so-called enemies. I would get high and drunk to feel better and numb myself so I wouldn’t feel alone. I didn’t know how to handle that feeling, so I would look for girls to hook up with. I stabbed another 18 year old, went to jail, and a public defender got me out on a misdemeanor.  I had to learn the hard way since no one was really guarding me. I never met my father and my step dad didn’t like me. My mom was working on how to get my brothers and sisters back, her two boys and four girls. I found the attention I needed from the gang. We were smoking trees, drinking and hanging with different females. Now, that’s all changed. I miss the food, traveling, and doing whatever I want. I’ve learned that if someone gives me an opportunity I can accomplish a lot. I talk to my loved one’s two to three times a month. Love is something I see really far away. Since I’m incarcerated, a female would probably be scared of me and have way better options than me anyways. I have used being in prison to my advantage. Being in the streets, I would have never gotten my diploma. People have not believed in me or considered giving me an opportunity to prove myself. They automatically think I’m a convict that’s going to steal or be violent towards them. I’ll always be a liar to them. My only option is to keep educating myself; whether it’s life skills, anger management, or even obtaining some type of college degree. I hope that people who really want to change will do the same.

Ciara, 34

Ciara, 34

Stories

Ciara, 34

Meet Ciara…

Forgive as you may be forgiven. Make amends while you are still living. Don’t allow grudges to hold you back. Bitterness causes you to go off track. Allow love in your heart to let healing begin. Harboring hatred is a most deadly sin.

Ciara, 34
Incarcerated:  4 years
Housed: Topeka Correctional Facility, Kansas

“Forgive as you may be forgiven. Make amends while you are still living. Don’t allow grudges to hold you back. Bitterness causes you to go off track. Allow love in your heart to let healing begin. Harboring hatred is a most deadly sin.” by Lovette. I read this and felt the truth of these words. For years I’ve wandered around aimlessly, lost. I’ve allowed the poison of hatred, grudges, and pain from the things that I’ve endured as a child, from the very people who were supposed to love and protect me, to consume me. I sought to numb everything within me and became seriously addicted. Self-hatred and isolation became me. Since being incarcerated I’ve decided to change. I’ve had a lot of time to think clearly and to learn about who I want to be. I’ve heard of this statement,” you teach people how to treat you,” and I’ve latched onto it and made it into my new motto. No longer will I wait for love to find me, I’ll become love by forgiving and letting go of all that has been killing me. I now seek to help others who are like me and have gone through trauma and suffer from addiction. I’ve been gaining every bit of knowledge and experience to further help myself and others. Too many people who are just trying to survive their pain are locked away and being robbed of life because the state lacks the programs to help them, so instead they are sent to sit in a prison for years. I’m going to do what I can see about getting some of these programs started once I’m released. I’ve found a purpose worth living for. Where there is a will, there is a way. I’ll prove to the world that I’m not just a number or a statistic, my past doesn’t define me. People treat you like scum when you’ve been incarcerated or they discover you’re an addict. I’m both and I know I’m not scum. I have a big heart and for so long I’ve had it closed off, but it’s opening up now and I’m trying to make a life changing difference for not only myself, but for many others. I think being incarcerated and the efforts by the guards to do whatever as often as possible to dehumanize us, is what lit the fire within me.

Audra, 53

Audra, 53

Stories

Audra, 53
Audra, 53
Letter from Audra

Meet Audra…

My mistakes and crimes do not define me, my hurt no longer controls me.

Audra, 53
Incarcerated: 13 years
Housed: Central California Women’s Facility, Chowchilla

In my childhood dreams, I wanted to be a police officer so bad, in order to help people. Then with his dirty touch my dreams become nightmares. These things were seen but not seen, heard but not heard. As a young girl my soul was broken. My dreams and trust were consumed by fear, so my voice was no more. Anger and hate replaced my innocence. My granny tried, she cried, and prayed to my uncles to protect me, but the damage was done. I trusted no one, so I ran straight to her arms. I was seeking a mother figure or friend, but found my lover instead. Too young to understand, I was used, fooled by the pretty red painted dirty hands. I ran into many dead ends, then drugs came in. It was pure hell as a young girl. The money grind became my life, I was a hustler by nature, so fast, it kept me blinded.

For my lifestyle, my children paid the price, life in prison, twice. In here, the lion’s den, I began my destructive cycle, running, gaming and manipulating, only to pretend we were family and friends, just to fit in. As a young, broken, lost and damaged mother, how was I to provide from behind bars? It was just so hard, so now that is granny’s job. My soul had long ago died, 25 to life could break the broken. I thought I was too far gone to be helped, my hustle was grand, it could buy my freedom, but it couldn’t fix the pain. When death seemed like the win, I succumbed to seventy five Tylenol codines, chasing my end, to the peace I wanted more than anything. I heard the chaplain say, “Seek and ye shall find, He is the way, the truth and the light.”  So I gave God a try, and I put up a great fight. I lost, He won and a relationship began. I was blinded but now I see, lost but now I’m found, broken but now I’m healed. Once there was no hope, but today I am full of hope. My life is now enriched because of his grace and mercy. His love within me is never ending. My mistakes and crimes do not define me, my hurt no longer controls me. Though I was judged by man, I was saved by grace. The world sees me as nothing, but I know I’m a bride of Christ, heir to the most high.

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