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Anthony, 24

Anthony, 24

Stories

“Where I’m from it’s hard to truly be yourself when you have so many voids to complete your self worth.”

Meet Anthony…

Anthony, 24
Incarcerated: 5 year

I am an artist. 

Being an artist is one of the many discoveries made in finding myself. 

Where I’m from it’s hard to truly be yourself when you have so many voids to complete your self-worth. You become someone that you’re not, you can lose yourself following the negativity and influences that restore what you feel has been missing. 

My artistry has always been within me. I continue to master it as I let myself be myself. Being in my element is how I can describe the state I’m in as I draw or paint. Having influences that share similar passions and interests has motivated me to be where I’m at. I’d also like to give credit to my older brother who’s always inspired me. He’s always been a great artist. Growing up looking up to him, the standard he’s set used to be very intimidating. It’s a really good feeling to receive gratification in making someone you look up to very proud. 

I will have photos of my art and of myself emailed to you. Via Bien Valdovinos 

Richard, 48

Richard, 48

Stories

Meet Richard…

“It is vital that we must build trust with the outside world, and that the only way to do so is by sharing our stories, and putting a Human face to those of us who reside in institutions.”

When I was younger I thought I knew about love. In some ways I did. My grandma gave me unconditional love. There was never a day that I didn’t feel it, even while running around like a knucklehead or battling my addictions.

I tried to use my grandmother’s example to guide me. I tried to be patient and understanding. I tried to see everyone as a unique human being. But I failed. Especially when it came to romantic love. The heartbreak that resulted from rejection eroded my confidence. Love was unattainable for me.

After another colossal disaster of a relationship, my life spiraled into pain. I knew what I wanted: someone to love me in the same way I loved – unconditionally. I needed to find out why I hadn’t found it yet. This required a lot of self-reflection. I was having trouble loving others because I didn’t love myself. It was a hard realization to face, but it was my truth.

I spent time refocusing on what I truly wanted and met an amazing woman, Angelina. When she first wrote to me it was about something we were both passionate about: helping others. I jumped at the chance to get involved with her project. I sent her information I thought would be helpful. Our correspondence turned from writing to talking. The nature of her heart was apparent to me. I felt I knew her all my life. And it was the same for her. When she came to visit me, we were both so nervous. I was trying my best to make her feel as comfortable as one can be visiting a prisoner on death row.

Our visit ended with a kiss. Since the first day she wrote, the first day that she accepted my call, the first day that she visited me, Angelina has changed my life for the better. She has been patient and kind. She has been understanding and caring. She has shown me I can be vulnerable and express love how I have always wanted to.

I am grateful for the day that Angelina came into my life. And though we have obstacles, we have done our best to face them together, lovingly, and unconditionally. I look forward to our journey together, everyday, and thank the Creator and the Universe for not letting me give up on love. 

​

Read His Poetry
Gerald’s Gallery

Gerald’s Gallery

Art from Inside

 

 

Artist Gerald, 68

It all started in high school when I first started really noticing girls. We had a subscription to Jet Magazine. I started drawing the centerfold models, to the point that they appeared like photos. However, once I started having my own family, I didn’t have time any longer. Life demanded that I had to work and provide for them. In 1998 I made the biggest mistake in my life…murder. Upon being incarcerated, I didn’t want to be involved with the world of darkness I had been sentenced to be submerged among. So I went back to drawing. It was a skill I still had. I began drawing portraits of inmates’ families. The money came fast and I started to lose interest after a while. Why? Because it became a job. I had lost the enjoyment. It wasn’t until I arrived at San Quentin in 2011 and was introduced to the Arts in Corrections program, there the spark was re-lit. Painting was something new and challenging. I began to vision a more technical skilled level of expression of all aspects. I found that as long as I did art to please myself, and not place a price on it, I could get lost, to the point that I would escape a few hours in my creation. I have never limited myself to just one form. Watercolors are my least favorite. However, one which I am learning to use now. It’s quickly becoming my favorite. Acrylics are what I generally use as of right now. Yet my main inspiration has come from an inmate, Bruce Fowler. Watching his interpretations unfold on canvas, showed me that within these walls world class art is possible. Others have given me the tools within San Quentin’s Arts in Corrections, too many to name. Yet each canvas has no time limits, I paint until I am happy with the outcome. It’s just like a child, you have good and bad, yet they are yours, and you try to do your best when introducing them to the world. I’ve sent a few in order to show the variety of expressions I wish to project when I paint.
1) The Demure woman looking over her shoulder; I wanted to project her life.
2) A little prayer. I want people to feel that we are not alone, we each have bad days.
3) The South Carolina woman, by E. Hopper. It just caught my attention to a past rural life – style I lived in Texas.
4) Birds are my attachment to another species of intelligence most people never see.
5) Prison Profile, was my concept for how in-humane prison treatment is and has made man a caged beast.
6) Then there is History, such as my painting of Pompei (illegible), similar to inmates of today at each other’s throats just to survive, if they live, they go to the board.
7) However, I do have a playful side and when I do, I express it in the form of Betty Boop etc.
8) Society clown – this was based on how gangs utilize colors for separation. Yet the star behind the ear is how I see society in the background not being concerned…as long as they are killing each other.
9) Kaepernick and protesters all fall on the same issue of unfairness.
10) Lady Liberty dwells on the environment and how big business could care less as long as money is the bottom line between Russia and the United States eventually the environment will be completely destroyed. Anyway, Diane and Juan; these are some of the thoughts that come into focus when I am painting.

I will never be a one-dimensional painter. Why? Because this is not a one-dimensional world.
Enough said!
With Gratitude,
Gerald

Enjoy Gerald's Story
Scott, 51

Scott, 51

Stories

Scott 1

Meet Scott…

“I have heard stories like this from several men in prison over the years, how great it was and that they have grown close, shared many visiting days together, and built wonderful relationships with their children and grandchildren. This, however, would not be my story.”

Incarcerated: 26 years

I don’t remember how many years ago it was, more than 15 I believe. I received a letter from my sister with a screen shot of a Facebook page. At the top, Taylor wrote “After 15 years I got a letter from him! In his very own handwriting…I cried.” A few minutes later, it set in who this young lady was.

My daughter that I haven’t seen or heard anything about since she was two years old. My attorney said that Taylor had no idea that the man she knew as her dad was not her biological father, that her real dad was serving a life sentence in a California state prison for murder. One day when Taylor was in high school, her dad picked her up from school, took her to a park and told her he wasn’t her biological father.

I asked my sister to please find her and let her know she had another family and they love her. A few years later Taylor came to visit me at San Quentin. She was several months pregnant with her son. I was scared to death but happy at the same time. I had heard stories like this over the years from several men in prison. How great it was and that they grew close, shared many visiting days and built wonderful relationships with their children and grandchildren.

This, however, is not my story. On our first and last visit, Taylor and I didn’t get to talk much. I asked her how she was and she said “Fine” then awkward silence. I tried again, so you probably have a bunch of questions? She said “No.” Again awkward silence. I asked her why she came here.  “I just wanted to see what I was a part of.” For three hours we sat there with my sister and my Dad. I listened to the three of them talk as I sat in silence. I got a hug and a goodbye and never heard from her again. I wrote, sent cards, asked for pictures of my grandson and I’ve heard nothing.

Some stories don’t have happy endings. This is a part of the journey. I am responsible for my own happiness. I do miss her very much. I am sorry I wasn’t there for her. 📸 Scott’s & Peter Mertz

Adriel, 43

Adriel, 43

Stories

Meet Adriel, (updated 01.27.22)

“I knew by the age of 5 that I was born in the wrong body. But I couldn’t tell that to my parents, because the machismo was running rampant in my home. If you were born a boy, you acted like a boy.”.

My name is Adriel Ramirez. I am one of the Transwomen here at San Quentin, I am 43 ½ years old and a Taurus. I am Spanish, French and Yaqui Indian.

I knew by the age of 5 that I was born in the wrong body. But I couldn’t tell that to my parents, because the machismo was running rampant in my home. You were born a boy, you will act like a boy. Yeah  right, like that was going to be easy. I was waaay too flamboyant for my own good. Luckily for me my family thought I was going through a phase.

It was difficult growing up in a household where you couldn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to someone. So I had to bottle up all my emotions. Later in life would end so well.

I loved going to church as a kid, and even now I enjoy going to church. But due to COVID that is not possible at the moment. And recently I found out that services would be getting back in motion late March, early April. So I am looking forward to going again because a year without was just driving me crazy. Church is where I find my solitude. I find answers to questions that I have had over the years. For instance my transition, I pray to God day and night concerning my inner feelings about who I am.

Then one day I just decided that I am going to be straightforward with God. I said, “God you know what is in my heart and many would want to know the same thing. But this is what I am asking of you. If I am walking in your will let the hormones that are begun in me work to make the changes to my body. If not your will then the hormones won’t have their effect on me. I just don’t like that I am holding back from the growth that needs to be done. I just need that inner peace so I can play the piano better and sing better and play the drums better than what I am doing now.”

So after that prayer my body after a month was making its changes. My diabetes was under control and my blood pressure has gotten better, I started feeling a whole lot better. I started feeling like the woman I should be. My focus at church improved, including playing the instruments and singing. To the point that hair was starting to sprout at the bald spot on my head. I couldn’t believe it, that God heard my prayer.

Now the one thing that I know that would be a surprise to my family is that I am becoming the woman that they thought was just a phase. Also they would see the change in the way I think and act, just what I think about life overall. They might not understand it at first but then who knows where their thoughts of me will be later. I just know that I have changed a lot from the person that I used to be. I am a lot more compassionate, affectionate, empathetic, kinder, friendly, loyal and trustworthy to those around me. My talents have become better as time goes by and it’s only going to get better

12.24.21

Hello Fam,

It has been a while since I wrote last. I have been dealing with Covid-19 issues, since after I contracted it. I am starting to have the effects of the after. I almost died in the beginning of the year, 2021. My heart was slowly on the way of stopping. The doctors told me if I have not come in at the time that I did to have my heart checked I would have eventually passed away at work, slumped over or died in my sleep in my cell. It was the most scariest news that I ever received from anyone, but in some way I was kind of ready to go to the afterlife, because I was tired and I really wanted to see my parents again.

They did a procedure on me where they checked to see if there were any clogs in the veins or the arteries around my heart. When they didn’t find none they performed a procedure called an Oblation. I have come to find out that there was tissue formed around some of the veins on my heart that were constricting my heart from pumping enough blood. They burned off the tissue in order that my heart would be able to pump blood without any restriction.

The doctors informed me that it was due to stress and being overweight. But who can blame me when I was stressing behind Covid-19. Not knowing if I was going to survive it or if I will ever get a chance to parole and experience life. I have been incarcerated since I was eighteen and am now 44. So my whole life was spent here. So now that Covid is here there is no assurance that I would get out. But I am hoping things will change for me.

The one thing I can say that has brought a smile to my face before this year is over with. I have started my reassignment surgery process. I thought about it for a very long time and I have decided to start my process. I did want to lose the chance of becoming the woman that I was meant to be. There are no assurances that the board of parole hearings will let me go, because it is excuse upon excuse that they don’t want to let me go. I am just glad that I am able to tell people of my decision because it is very special to me. I couldn’t tell my sister because I know what her thoughts would be and probably she would exile me for good.

I have lost a few friends because of my decision, most of them from church that I attend when I was outside. My friend outside is Kristen Ming from Oakland, shoutout Girl!! And I have made a family of my own here. I have 2 trans daughters and 4 boys that are my sons, a niece, grandson and 4 sisters. I love each and every one. Hopefully I will be able to send a family picture so you can see my blessings.

Sincerely,

Adriel

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