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Gene, 53

Gene, 53

Stories

Meet Gene…

“I met Steve, who had volunteered for a prison program that paired up victims and assailants as part of a rehabilitation process. Within the short three months that Steve and I conversed, he gave me a new lens to view the world with too, and I will always be grateful for his generosity in helping me understand the difference between independence and interdependent living.”

Incarcerated: 10 years

Housed: Jefferson City Correctional Center, Missouri

Bob Dylan once described the difference between independence and interdependence to his friend Hunter S. Thompson, with the aid of his guitar. He played a G note and said, “with that note, you can set a tone,” then he strummed a G chord, and said, “with those three notes played together, you create harmony.” 

When I met Steve, he had PTSD. Being the victim of a violent crime was the reason got his suffering. Steve’s front teeth were knocked out by the butt of an AK-47, a weapon being used to rob a bank. Steve and his youngest son were there to deposit money the boy had earned delivering papers into a savings account for the boy. 

“I met Steve, who had volunteered for a prison program that paired up victims and assailants as part of a rehabilitation process. Within the short three months that Steve and I conversed, he gave me a new lens to view the world with too, and I will always be grateful for his generosity in helping me understand the difference between independence and interdependent living.”

For the next six years, Steve was a man who felt as if he were standing in quicksand. His life was fueled by the need to maximize the safety net around his family and impose a discipline upon them that he did not understand or find it possible to adhere to. Every day was a struggle to breathe.

One day he came upon a book called “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey that he said altered his dysfunctional life. It gave him a new lens to view the world. He said he had found a foothold that eventually freed him from the psychological trap that he so long been mired in.

That’s about the time I met Steve, who had volunteered for a prison program that paired up victims and assailants as part of a rehabilitation process. Within the short three months that Steve and I conversed, he gave me a new lens to view the world. I will always be grateful for his generosity in helping me understand the difference between independence and interdependent living. As Redd Greene used to say: “We’re all in this together, I’m rooting for ya!”

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Jeffery, 59

Jeffery, 59

Longer Stories From the Cell

The Word tells us that we are never alone, and through the current events of the day it surely could have felt like it.

Dear Family and Friends, 

It is my prayer that the Lord keep us and guide us as we enter into the dawn of another year. Let us shed the past as if an old coat and go strengthened and invigorated into a new day. Amen. 

Would you allow me a moment to say thank you all for your love and encouragement as the time served just keeps going? Many of you are saying that the time is winding down and in that hope we keep pressing on. October of The New Year would bring the 23rd year and you all have been a part of this journey and again, thank you so much for your sacrifice’s and the spirit that dwells within that you so unselfishly share this way inside the razor topped fences and prison walls. 

How do we move forward through the past few years? Time and events that remain lingering with no end in sight and the rhetoric changes daily while remaining the same. The line of division appears to grow at such an unprecedented rate and the world growingly left in turmoil. How do we smile when the clouds seem to just keep rolling along? “FINALLY, MY brethren, rejoice in the Lord. To write the same things to you, to me indeed is not grievous, but for you it is save” [Philippians 3:1] 

If we only look at what has happened in our lives, in the world over the previous year[s] we could just continue in that same cycle of loss and misery. Thank God for those who have stuck by; those who keep giving words of encouragement while even their situation is often fare more bleak than is for us sitting in prison. You give such strength that is holding me up and pushes me through those moments when I am down and hurting. So it is that I strive daily to be that better man, a more mature individual and take responsibility, hold myself accountable. 

“If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead. Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus. Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” [Philippians 3:11-14 KJV] 

The word informs us that there is not one of who is free from sin; we all have fallen and come short of the glory of God. Though I can think of several people I admire that I don’t thing would fit into that category, however, the Lord knows all of who we are no matter what we may reveal to others. For the Lord has spoken, Amen. 

The part of being in prison is the punishment for the crimes committed and it was intended that while here undergo a time of rehabilitation. To commit ourselves to change mentally in that we would not reoffend or commit another violation against society. In the current times of corrections or just the way of life is in the world today, we must attain that elusive “rehabilitation” ourselves utilizing the programs offered; developing a better social and work ethic where there may not have been one prior to the incarceration. 

Another way or a very integral part of rehabilitation is taking responsibility for the offenses charged against us. Often forgetting how we can be so quick to point fingers at others for some offense against us and yet think it not robbery to deprive another of that which we as men, as adults are supposed to do and be. Now we cry for the children left behind, those strong women who loved us even as the little boys we were. 

The scripture reads in part, if by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead. That means to me that I must do whatever it takes to rise from that which held me captive in my past. Thank God for his grace  and mercy, Amen. 

“But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. Fight the good fight, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.” [I Timothy 6:11-12 KJV] 

The Word tells us that we are never alone, and through the current events of the day it surely could have felt like it. The world quarantined and left isolated in the home, not much different than being confined in a jail cell and no one committed a crime, so to speak…but we made it, you all have made it out there to keep pressing forward in life. A good man has told me on several occasions, “you made it through the yesterday to wind up in the today you are grumbling about”. By the grace and mercy of Almighty God we have arrived in our today so let us not grumble and find the comfort, love and that joy of serving the Lord who has not left us and has brought us this far. Yes, we have lost family and friends, some are still here and battling various issues with health, finances. Let us remember, trouble don’t last always, Amen. I love you and thank you all for holding me accountable. To God be the glory, now and forever.  

“Now, we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, conform the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men. See that none render evil for evil unto any man. Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you”[Thessalonians 5:14-18] 

Let us pray: 

I surrender, Lord God, we come before You in this season of closing out the past and entering a New Year. A season of forgiveness and purpose. We thank You Father for being with us during the difficult times and for holding us through when we were not sure on what the next moment would bring. We hold Your love ever present as we see that You have not left us, nor forsake us as Your Word tells us. 

Thank You Father for those who have stayed by our side and we give love to those who have gone on ahead of us. We lift up those who have had it a lot rougher than we who sit within the confines of a prison; and for those who are in perhaps another type of prison mentally. 

Lord, we pray that the days that are yet to come be full of joy and love and happiness. We ask that You watch over the families of those in prison and for those who are sick and shut in. We pray for the church body and seek to help them in ways the world may not be able to do for them. Keep us O Lord. Give us the strength to do Your will in these difficult times and please forgive us of any thought word or deed that is not of Your will in our lives. We pray this and all unspoken utterances in Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

In His Love, 

Jeffrey

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Richard, 48

Richard, 48

Stories

Meet Richard…

“It is vital that we must build trust with the outside world, and that the only way to do so is by sharing our stories, and putting a Human face to those of us who reside in institutions.”

When I was younger I thought I knew about love. In some ways I did. My grandma gave me unconditional love. There was never a day that I didn’t feel it, even while running around like a knucklehead or battling my addictions.

I tried to use my grandmother’s example to guide me. I tried to be patient and understanding. I tried to see everyone as a unique human being. But I failed. Especially when it came to romantic love. The heartbreak that resulted from rejection eroded my confidence. Love was unattainable for me.

After another colossal disaster of a relationship, my life spiraled into pain. I knew what I wanted: someone to love me in the same way I loved – unconditionally. I needed to find out why I hadn’t found it yet. This required a lot of self-reflection. I was having trouble loving others because I didn’t love myself. It was a hard realization to face, but it was my truth.

I spent time refocusing on what I truly wanted and met an amazing woman, Angelina. When she first wrote to me it was about something we were both passionate about: helping others. I jumped at the chance to get involved with her project. I sent her information I thought would be helpful. Our correspondence turned from writing to talking. The nature of her heart was apparent to me. I felt I knew her all my life. And it was the same for her. When she came to visit me, we were both so nervous. I was trying my best to make her feel as comfortable as one can be visiting a prisoner on death row.

Our visit ended with a kiss. Since the first day she wrote, the first day that she accepted my call, the first day that she visited me, Angelina has changed my life for the better. She has been patient and kind. She has been understanding and caring. She has shown me I can be vulnerable and express love how I have always wanted to.

I am grateful for the day that Angelina came into my life. And though we have obstacles, we have done our best to face them together, lovingly, and unconditionally. I look forward to our journey together, everyday, and thank the Creator and the Universe for not letting me give up on love. 

​

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Adriel, 43

Adriel, 43

Stories

Meet Adriel, (updated 01.27.22)

“I knew by the age of 5 that I was born in the wrong body. But I couldn’t tell that to my parents, because the machismo was running rampant in my home. If you were born a boy, you acted like a boy.”.

My name is Adriel Ramirez. I am one of the Transwomen here at San Quentin, I am 43 ½ years old and a Taurus. I am Spanish, French and Yaqui Indian.

I knew by the age of 5 that I was born in the wrong body. But I couldn’t tell that to my parents, because the machismo was running rampant in my home. You were born a boy, you will act like a boy. Yeah  right, like that was going to be easy. I was waaay too flamboyant for my own good. Luckily for me my family thought I was going through a phase.

It was difficult growing up in a household where you couldn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to someone. So I had to bottle up all my emotions. Later in life would end so well.

I loved going to church as a kid, and even now I enjoy going to church. But due to COVID that is not possible at the moment. And recently I found out that services would be getting back in motion late March, early April. So I am looking forward to going again because a year without was just driving me crazy. Church is where I find my solitude. I find answers to questions that I have had over the years. For instance my transition, I pray to God day and night concerning my inner feelings about who I am.

Then one day I just decided that I am going to be straightforward with God. I said, “God you know what is in my heart and many would want to know the same thing. But this is what I am asking of you. If I am walking in your will let the hormones that are begun in me work to make the changes to my body. If not your will then the hormones won’t have their effect on me. I just don’t like that I am holding back from the growth that needs to be done. I just need that inner peace so I can play the piano better and sing better and play the drums better than what I am doing now.”

So after that prayer my body after a month was making its changes. My diabetes was under control and my blood pressure has gotten better, I started feeling a whole lot better. I started feeling like the woman I should be. My focus at church improved, including playing the instruments and singing. To the point that hair was starting to sprout at the bald spot on my head. I couldn’t believe it, that God heard my prayer.

Now the one thing that I know that would be a surprise to my family is that I am becoming the woman that they thought was just a phase. Also they would see the change in the way I think and act, just what I think about life overall. They might not understand it at first but then who knows where their thoughts of me will be later. I just know that I have changed a lot from the person that I used to be. I am a lot more compassionate, affectionate, empathetic, kinder, friendly, loyal and trustworthy to those around me. My talents have become better as time goes by and it’s only going to get better

12.24.21

Hello Fam,

It has been a while since I wrote last. I have been dealing with Covid-19 issues, since after I contracted it. I am starting to have the effects of the after. I almost died in the beginning of the year, 2021. My heart was slowly on the way of stopping. The doctors told me if I have not come in at the time that I did to have my heart checked I would have eventually passed away at work, slumped over or died in my sleep in my cell. It was the most scariest news that I ever received from anyone, but in some way I was kind of ready to go to the afterlife, because I was tired and I really wanted to see my parents again.

They did a procedure on me where they checked to see if there were any clogs in the veins or the arteries around my heart. When they didn’t find none they performed a procedure called an Oblation. I have come to find out that there was tissue formed around some of the veins on my heart that were constricting my heart from pumping enough blood. They burned off the tissue in order that my heart would be able to pump blood without any restriction.

The doctors informed me that it was due to stress and being overweight. But who can blame me when I was stressing behind Covid-19. Not knowing if I was going to survive it or if I will ever get a chance to parole and experience life. I have been incarcerated since I was eighteen and am now 44. So my whole life was spent here. So now that Covid is here there is no assurance that I would get out. But I am hoping things will change for me.

The one thing I can say that has brought a smile to my face before this year is over with. I have started my reassignment surgery process. I thought about it for a very long time and I have decided to start my process. I did want to lose the chance of becoming the woman that I was meant to be. There are no assurances that the board of parole hearings will let me go, because it is excuse upon excuse that they don’t want to let me go. I am just glad that I am able to tell people of my decision because it is very special to me. I couldn’t tell my sister because I know what her thoughts would be and probably she would exile me for good.

I have lost a few friends because of my decision, most of them from church that I attend when I was outside. My friend outside is Kristen Ming from Oakland, shoutout Girl!! And I have made a family of my own here. I have 2 trans daughters and 4 boys that are my sons, a niece, grandson and 4 sisters. I love each and every one. Hopefully I will be able to send a family picture so you can see my blessings.

Sincerely,

Adriel

Edwin, 45

Edwin, 45

Stories

Meet Edwin…

My mom has six kids, five boys. Two are doing life, one was murdered. Half a rotten apple is how she got the deal.

Growing up  I never heard the words, I love you.

My crimes stemmed from my own search for love. I spent years in solitary confinement and heard those words from my mother for the first time at the age of 23. It was weird, uncomfortable. I thought she was dying. It was my first contact visit after I got out of the Security Housing Unit (SHU) in Pelican Bay. When I was seven, my mother migrated to California. I was left to grow up on the streets of El Salvador during a civil war. I didn’t have time to be a kid or go to school. My stepdad spoiled me and I became the breadwinner of the family.

When I came to the states, I was behind in school and felt like an outcast. My mother was emotionally detached from me, but close to my  siblings. As a child, my mom was physically and emotionally abused. I have learned that you can’t make someone love you. Love can be tricky, when you haven’t heard those words. The first time I heard them was from a fellow gang member, “Hey, I love you man.” My immediate response was “I am not gay” he told me he thought of me as a brother. 

In solitary confinement, I taught myself to read and write. My “neighbors” in the next cells and I started a competition. We would show each other flash cards made from milk cartons with words from the dictionary and their origins. Whoever got them wrong did pushups. My arms got tired of losing so I wised up. Academically I struggled. Being the breadwinner from the age of seven. I never went to school, no exaggeration. I was exposed to countless acts of violence. I became desensitized to it. I was told I was “no good” by my stepdad. I felt like an outcast when I saw my other siblings being hugged and told that they were loved in my presence. I would just sit there motionless, wondering “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” As a result I grew emotionally detached.

Life taught me early that you can’t make someone love you. I feel love for and a responsibility to the Spanish community. It’s why I write for the San Quentin News and translate for Humans of San Quentin. I want to humanize myself and others. I want people to know that it is ok to call 911, to reach out for help, to speak up. 

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